The Improover to Doomer Crashout (Send help plz)

 This is how I look rn:

Yer girl is going through it rn. I actually need a doctor. And a therapist. And a physiotherapist. R.I.P. me. Basically, I've been dealing with horrible anxiety and it's been affecting my mental/physical health a lot. Today I realized the cause is something quite unfortunate: I've become too invested in self-improvement, what you can call "Improover culture," which means it's actually too hard for me to just turn my brain off and enjoy things without trying to improve in them. I also haven't really improoved in anything except marginally I guess. I don't know. It's just not working. In case you don't know what Improover culture is, this meme does a good job of romanticizing it:

Now as you may know, I like drawing and writing. But drawing is actually a source of immense stress for me now. I don't draw to relax, I draw to improve my drawing technique now. 

It's very hard for me to turn off my brain. I tried to mindlessly do a colouring book, but it didn't work for relaxing me. I always found meditation really hard. There were a bunch of times I tried to get into it with meditation classes or videos but I only kept it up for like a week or two at a time and then gave up. I find it hard to enjoy popular media because it feels low quality.

I used to make fun of my parents because they both watch too many TV shows, but my dad said they watch them completely without guilt. They don't view these shows as a time waster at all, even though I can't help but see them that way. But that means they're also way happier than me. They don't have these types of crashouts. 

There are some YouTubers I will admit I actually do like watching even though I feel cringe to admitting to this. I like watching JREG, Vaush, Contrapoints and on the completely opposite end of the political spectrum: Classically Abby sometimes (Ben Shapiro's sister). Obviously, watching YouTube is a low IQ and time wasting hobby. And I always feel extremely guilty if I watch these things because it feels so dumb, like how my parents watch dumb Pakistani TV shows with cousin marriage plots. 

But my dad gave me the advice to actually do some activities purely for fun, no matter how stupid they are. He said it would be better for my mental health in the long run. And maybe I would actually improve a bit more if I didn't have anxious breakdowns all the time. 

Idk how to feel about this. I've been doing 'monthly goals' for some time and failing to meet them. I also made a huge list of 2026 goals and didn't achieve most of them so far. But is anything on that list worth the amount of stress I feel rn? I don't know about that.

I have been forcing myself to make 'technique drawings.' These are drawings that I don't like making. They're not my preferred style. But they're necessary for improoving. I was supposed to make 10 of these but I only made 5 so far. I leave you with my sad 'technique drawings' below:

Okay actually I'll try to end on a slightly hopepilled note? idk

So my dad studied engineering in university. But he was also an actor (just as a hobby). He used to perform in plays. He actually used to be a very cool person before he became a suburbanite. But anyway, he told me he'd have minor crashouts sometimes because he would meet professional actors and thought he wasn't as good as them. But then he remembered he was an engineering student (and a very good one), while these people did acting 24/7. It was their actual career. One can argue it's more impressive to be a good engineer and a mediocre actor than just a good actor, idk. I am not sure if this is hopepilled enough, because some Sigma Self-Improover reading this could be like "SKILL ISSUE!!!!!!! I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN A HOLLYWOOD ACTOR AND A WALL STREET BANKER AND A SILICON VALLEY TECH BRO AND I SPEAK 83 LANGUAGES AND I MAKE OIL PAINTINGS THAT SELL FOR $11988398110 EACH AND I HAVE READ EVERY DOSTOEVSKY NOVEL AND I CAN DO 69 PUSHUPS IN A ROW IN PERFECT FORM. YOU LAZY KIDS THESE DAYS JUST AREN'T LOCKING IN HARD ENOUGH."

Anyway, I'll let y'all ponder about this one. I haven't really figured out the solution to this problem yet, because I don't like the idea of abandoning self-improovment. idk what to do honestly. Do I just have skill issues?