Anti-School Poem I wrote for Mnerva Literary Journal Volume VI: Wonder

Today I'm going to share a poem called "Grammar School" that I wrote and talk about my inspiration for it. I submitted this poem to Volume VI of Mnerva Literary Journal, which had the theme of "Wonder." The poem is about how school kills your sense of wonder. I had a great experience corresponding with Mnerva about this poem, and I highly recommend submitting to them if you write poetry. 

It's actually not the first time I've written an anti-school poem. You may remember this old post I wrote where I was digging through my high school poetry. This poem was about attaching your self-worth to grades, which are just numbers, and about how awful that feels. School can feel like no real learning is happening at all and that you are just trying to optimize for grades. 

However, this time I wanted to write a poem that was about how school also kills our natural sense of wonder and curiosity. I thought Mnerva was the perfect place to submit because of the "Wonder" theme. 

The Cover of "Wonder"

I have to say, Mnerva did a great job of designing this cover. The font used to write "Wonder" is adorable and childlike. The font actually relates to the meaning of the word, which is great. It's a whimsical font. And the background looks like a mysterious forest ready to be explored. Also, the whole cover has a dreamlike quality. 

'Grammar School' -- A Poem

I am also a huge fan of the print layout. Very clean and well-designed. Here is what my poem, called 'grammar school,' looks like in print:

The poem text:

Grammar School

he chews a pencil until his tongue is black

his teachers say it must have darkened

from uttering blasphemies

he holds back questions they don’t let him ask

some of them love the rod and strap

like he loves the snake in the garden

the one he says must have a soul

who can really blame them

for lording over schoolboys when

they have no say in their households?

he thinks about the ocean then

with all the secrets She holds

how could she possibly have been created?

surely there is more wisdom in pondering this

than in writing down words like

Temperance and

Prudence

and Reverence

when the school inspector comes for a visit

tonight someone has plucked the stars out of the sky

but he is too wise to think that darkness is emptiness

he does not understand why the others care for

the notion of light dispelling the dark

can they not see that the night is like a mother?

when he takes refuge in his chamber

she shelters him when his candle flutters out

Wisdom herself emerges out of the dark

where he was the only one who thought to seek her

she loves him the best and garlands him above

scowling schoolteachers with their eyes ablaze at children

The Inspiration 

My inspiration from this poem largely came from a class I took about Genesis, in which the professor told us about how people have been discouraged from questioning if there was anything that existed before God created the world, even though the beginning of Genesis actually makes it seem like water existed before God started his act of creation. That's why I included the line about the ocean. The boy in the poem gets punished for his curiosity because the teachers don't like it when he asks questions. I was also inspired by a desire to inverse Oxford University's Latin motto, which is "Dominus illuminatio mea" or "God is my light," and link wisdom with darkness instead of with light. Basically, I thought ignorance = darkness and wisdom = light is too cliche, and decided to switch the imagery. We do injustice to things we consider part of the darkness by refusing to study them.

Anyway, I hope y'all liked that poem and hearing about the inspiration behind it. It was really nice to see it in print. Don't forget to submit to Mnerva Literary Journal!!! You can submit to their regular issues, or try one of their contests that offer some prize money. Good luck!!!

What's next?

While we're on the anti-school theme, I'm reading a book right now called Make it Stick: The Science of Successful Learning that shows how school is against what neuroscience has actually proven about what helps people learn. I'll let you know my thoughts when I'm done. 

And what's next with my creative writing? I've been working on a poem from the point of view of Erasmus during his monastery days, another poem about a wolverine, a short about nuns in medieval Spain, and another short story about Babel from the Old Testament. Stay tuned to find out what becomes of these projects!!!

The Marriage Trilogy (Jude the Obscure, Middlemarch, and Anna Karenina)

Warning: this post contains SPOILERS on nineteenth-century novels!!!!!!

Don't mind me if I make a lonelymaxxing type of post. I just really wanted to talk about three nineteenth-century novels that I believe everyone who ponders about marriage should read. These three books constitute what I am going to call The Marriage Trilogy. They contain everything marriage-related you can possibly ponder about. These three books are:

1. Jude the Obscure (1895) by Thomas Hardy -- (Book #1 The Doompill)

2. Middlemarch (1872) by George Eliot -- (Book #2 The Hopepill)

3. Anna Karenina (1878) by Leo Tolstoy -- (Book #3 The Compromisepill) 

This is probably not the last time you're going to have to deal with me marriageposting or divorceposting (I recently read John Milton's pamphlet on divorce!!! So watch out!!!) By the way, Hardy actually quotes Milton in Jude the Obscure!!!!

Jude the Obscure -- The Doompill 

Jude the Obscure is actually my favourite novel of all time. It's also a book that made me cry, scream, and crash out because it's the saddest novel I've ever read. Without giving too much away, the novel is about two people who love each other who can not be with each other. This is because Jude marries a woman who manipulates his sense of honour/chivalry but who he does not actually love, and Sue (who he actually loves) marries someone else who can provide for her out of convenience. But Sue does not love the old schoolmaster she marries either. Jude and Sue have an intellectual connection. Sue basically changes Jude's entire worldview through their intellectual discussions. It's clear that Hardy thinks intellectual companionship is important. They both do Latinmaxxing and Greekmaxxing, but Jude does this to study Christianity while Sue has a deeper appreciation of the classical pagan authors. And this has a huge impact on their worldviews and leads to lively debate and long yaps between them. This book is extremely doompilling because it makes it sound like everyone ends up marrying someone they settle for rather than who they truly love. Even when Sue's husband sees Jude and Sue yapping together, he has to admit that they are lowkey perfect for each other. Jude and Sue technically never get married, but you can argue that they are more married than anyone else in the book is if you use love to define marriage rather than a piece of paper. By the way, what is the Milton quote that Hardy includes as an epigraph in this book? It's this one: 

“Whoso prefers either Matrimony or other Ordinance before the Good of Man and the plain Exigence of Charity, let him profess Papist, or Protestant, or what he will, he is no better than a Pharisee.” — John Milton, quoted by Thomas Hardy

This is a truly based quote. And I don't think anything more based about marriage has been said than this in the entire history of western thought, except for maybe that thing that Nietzche said about marriage being a long conversation. That was pretty based too. However, I have not actually read Nietzche's Human, All Too Human yet so I don't have much context for that. What I can tell you is that Milton and Hardy are based and 100% correct about marriage. If you don't think that whatever Jude and Sue have is a love that is higher than marriage, you are basically a Pharisee (by which Milton means someone who cares more about the law than what is actually right)!!!!!

 

Middlemarch -- The Hopepill 

Middlemarch is the novel that made me end a relationship. I know I said Jude is my favourite novel of all time, but Middlemarch is a close second. I love how this novel basically has two stories going on at once. Dorothea, the protagonist, is in an unhappy marriage with an old scholar named Casaubon. At first, Dorothea thinks Casaubon would be a good match because she wants to be with an intellectual guy who she admires. She thinks she can help him with his scholarly work. However, Dorothea comes to the nasty realization that Casaubon has no admiration for her even though she is an intelligent woman. He has no interest in her inner life, but she remains devoted to him out of a sense of duty. Dorothea has a literary foil, or a character who is in a very similar circumstance as her, named Lydgate. Lydgate is a doctor who is very passionate about his work, but his wife Rosamond doesn't respect his passion. She rejects Lydgate's interest in the medical field, making Lydgate himself feel rejected, unhappy, and resentful. Dorothea and Lydgate both want to be valued for their minds, but their partners do not offer this to them. My relationship reminded me too much of Dorothea and Casaubon's relationship, which is why I ended it. Eventually, Dorothea meets a man named Will Ladislaw who truly loves her soul!!! There's an unforgettable scene where Will Ladislaw and his friend are in an art museum where they see Dorothea. Ladislaw's friend, an artist, says he would paint Dorothea. And Ladislaw says what she really deserves is a poem about her, meaning that he deeply appreciates her non-physical attributes. He is captivated by her voice, soul, and mind. The most romantic scene ever is after Casaubon dies and Dorothea marries Will even though he's poor. 

Anyway, men shouldn't date Rosamonds and women shouldn't date Casaubons. 

While reading Middlemarch, I took pics of passages that had me howling and screaming and posted them on my one-person Discord server. I'll share some with you guys here. This is about how Rosamond was a terrible wife:

Also here is something I saved about some characters who had more minor roles in the story, Fred and Mary. Mary wanted to fix him so badly:

Anyway, Middlemarch is based. It is more hopepilled than Jude because of how Dorothea finds Ladislaw at the end who is basically a perfect man and marries him. 

Also, this is a meme I made. I posted this before. But here's a repost anyway.

Anna Karenina -- The Compromisepill 

Eventually when you're pondering about marriage, you arrive at the compromisepill. However, this is a hard pill to swallow and I lowkey didn't really swallow it yet ngl. 

My cat Mictlan is a Russian Blue, and so I thought it would be cool to take a picture of a Russian creature with a Russian book!! Lowkey Tolstoy should've added more creatures. There were horses though. 

Now, this is 800 pages about a woman cheating on her husband. Interestingly, I actually hated two other classic novels that were about women cheating on their husbands. One was Main Street by Sinclair Lewis and the other was Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert. I think the reason why I didn't like those books is because I thought the women were dumb and hard to sympathize with, even though their husbands were such mediocre men. The husbands in both Main Street and Madame Bovary were doctors who had no time for their wives. They were also lowkey kinda uncultured and didn't read enough poetry. However, their wives were also mediocre and I can't say I liked them much. But Anna is different. I loved Anna, idk. She was cool af and I understand why the young women in the novel like Kitty are captivated by her, and the men too of course. Her husband Karenin is very similar to the hubsands in Main Street and Madame Bovary. That is to say he is extremely mid. Anna wants a passionate love, and so she cheats on him with Count Vronsky, a handsome charming guy who I imagine had a great jawline. However, Vronsky never truly does value her. He sort of treats having her as a status symbol. You also see elements of the classic demand-withdrawal cycle in their relationship. 

Anna Karenina's plot structure is similar to Middlemarch because it sort of has two storylines in one. There's the Anna-Vronsky storyline and the Levin-Kitty storyline. This is kind of like how Middlemarch has Dorothea-Casaubon and Lydgate-Rosamond. I actually wonder if Tolstoy read Eliot. He probably did. I know he liked Dickens. 

Anyway, Vronsky doesn't truly love Anna's soul. There are times when he seems to, like after Anna recovers from a nearly fatal illness, but he mostly just seems like a hotter version of Karenin. Anna realizes that maybe it wasn't worth it. Meanwhile, Levin turns to God instead of turning to other women when he is unhappy in his own marriage.

The novel shows Levin as a noble character while Anna tries to fulfill her own desires instead of turning to spirituality. 

However, the genius of the novel is probably in that even though Levin is endorsed as morally superior, Anna is the more likeable character by far. Her intensity and passion makes her so much easier to sympathize with and relate to than Levin.

So if you fully swallow the Compromisepill, you could end up like Levin. And he is an admirable guy when it comes to morality. 

But Anna is more based, remember that! At what cost will you swallow the Compromisepill?

Here's a pic I took of a page from the book. Anna and Vronsky are quarrelling in this chapter. And I just thought Tolstoy did a 10000 times better job of describing "the demand-withdrawal cycle" than psychologists do. Take that, psychologists. Your field isn't a real science and it can be done better by writers of literary fiction. The demand-withdrawal cycle usually has a woman feeling unappreciated and demanding more from a man who then withdraws because he doesn't like the criticism. It had me howling and screaming when it happened to Anna and Vronsky.

Now, we are almost at the end of this post. I just wanted to end with a poem about the Marriage Trilogy. I chose juvenile rhymes and simple words on purpose to make it sound more like the style of a person who wouldn't read the Marriage Trilogy for some irony. Anyway, here it is:

A Poem I wrote about the Marriage Trilogy 

Long conversations between Jude and Sue

on matters that changed their entire worldview,

Perhaps you'll never know what that's like,

Philosophy taking over the night

Casaubon made Dorothea feel like

he was the sea, and her mind was a pool

until Ladislaw showed her what it was like

to actually be loved for her soul,

But they'll never say you're like him

Maybe you're like Count Vronsky

so handsome he made Anna Karenina

cheat on her husband and ruin her life,

All she wanted was love, 

though Vronsky didn't know how to do that right,

But her husband was not much better 

so she never satisfied her desires

Jude loved Greek and Latin

a poor boy who became a stonemason

just so he could have books 

And Lydgate was a doctor

who truly had a passion

but I'm not sure you know what that's like

any better than his wife did

Maybe that's why you can't love

a person that well either,

Jude and Levin and Ladislaw

could do it better

I don't even think you see

your lover is ensouled,

Ladislaw thought Dorothea's

beauty 

was too much for a portrait,

just right for poetry,

It would capture more of

her mind, her voice,

They say their love is beautiful

and in this one short life

I can't see the point

of being with you if

it doesn't feel like what they have,

So it can't be right

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

that's all, folks! I'll probably try to post something less lonelypilled next time.

im autistic

 

This is the meme my best fren Vicky sent me when I told her im autistic

Okay so I'm an autistic woman and I know we are less likely to get diagnosed as children than our Brothers in Autism because we are better at masking. But my parents, best friend, ex, etc. all thought I had the tism. My parents never tried to get me diagnosed though, and I'm gonna be fr I'm self-diagnosed with a score of 139 on the RAADS-R (suggesting very high likelihood though it's not confirmed) but it's kinda obvious at this point. I go to a school where the autism rate is very high (apparently quite common at high-ranking schools) but there is a 16 year waitlist for a diagnosis because basically everyone there thinks something is sus. I'm a grad student and during my training to become a teaching assistant, they told us about 30% of the undergrads at my school in the program I'll be teaching for are autistic or have ADHD (the actual rate may be higher because not everyone informs the schools that they have autism). And I'm a humanities student, so now imagine what the STEM autism rate is like lmao. I think the stereotype of an autistic person is still a boy who's a math prodigy, so autism is underdiagnosed in girls who have book addictions. Apparently people think autistic people don't like fiction because we are uncomfortable with ambiguity. I can't speak for all autistic people, but even though I really need direct communication during social interactions, I don't mind figurative language in books at all. I love a good metaphor in a poem, but not if you're trying to communicate how you feel to me please!!!! 

I also have very intense interests. It took my like 24 years of my life to realize that a lot of people don't. They don't really enter that flow state where they're obsessed with something and intensely concentrating on it. And that's just sad. 

I have a preference for routine so I can't deal with spontaneity. If a friend changes the time or location of a hangout on the day of the hangout, I have a minor crashout. Moving, travelling, etc. are like the worst things ever to me. 

I have sensory issues for loud noises, crowds, and bright lights. This means I basically have an old lady idea of fun. I just need tea, cats, and books to have a good time. Anything more than that has me overstimulated. I am also a clumsy person, not very athletic. 

I've struggled a lot with making friends in the past but when I finally did make close friends, almost all of them were neurodivergent. I always felt like I clicked better with people with autism or ADHD than with neurotypical people even back when I believed I was neurotypical. I also go to a school that is like one of the world's autism capitals, so it is statistically likely. 

A lot of people assume I'm introverted or I hate socialization, but I just hate surface-level interactions that seem that they don't like depth. I still value emotional closeness but don't get it from mid friendships. I've impulsively cut off friends before and had unstable relationships, leading me to think I might have BPD. But guess what? Masked autism in women is frequently misdiagnosed as BPD! And I haven't displayed any BPD symptoms within the last year, a year that I have spent surrounded by neurodivergent people, leading me to believe that the unstable relationships were simply just caused by not being with the right people. 

Everything makes sense now!!!!!

This book will literally save your life if you're an aspiring polymath

Today I went to the library. 

I finished reading one of Erasmus's essays called Lingua. 

I reviewed 469 vocabulary flashcards in Anishinaabemowin (the Ojibwe language). 

I worked on planning a lesson for the kid I'm tutoring. 

I found a book on statistics in the library. I learned some stats concepts from this book and practiced them.

I worked on some art as well (a realistic drawing of a cat). 

And I finished reading a self-help book for people who have many interests. It's called Refuse to Choose by Barbara Sher. This book is what I have come to talk to you about today. 

incels don’t have personalities

This is something that incels need to hear. You are not an incel because of your looks. Tons of women fall in love with guys with anime profile pics online without even knowing what the guy looks like. You are not an incel because of your income. Tons of women go rabid and feral over broke men. You aren’t even an incel because of your misogyny (though that is probably something you should still work on) because lots of misogynists are married. 

You are an incel because you spend 5 hours on your phone watching vertical videos. 

The guys who incel ideology refers to as Chads (hot rich guys) actually get settled for by women. We fall in love with the weird guy with weird interests. A guy who actually has a personality will mog everyone else. It doesn’t matter how much you mew, or work out, or hustle. The guy who knows everything about trains will mog you. 

All you need to do to attract women is get a hobby! Don’t hate me for speaking the truth! 

Half-way checkup on annual goals (it's not going well)

This post is going to be depressing. Now I want to be clear, I'm very grateful for what I have. I love what I do and I have great friends who are truly a blessing in my life. That being said, I'm very behind on my personal hobby-related goals, even though I'm fine with where I am professionally and socially right now. What really matters in life is learning. And anyone who actually cares about learning knows it has nothing to do with school or classes or jobs. So what do I want to learn? Several languages, the entire canon of western literature, and photorealistic art skills for sure. These were things I said I want to focus on this year when I made my 2026 new year goals back in January. There are other things I want to learn, like music theory and math. But music seemed like it needed to be sacrificed because the list was already overwhelming. And math was something I didn't realize I wanted to learn about until well into the year after I already made the goals.

When I realized I wasn't making much progress on my goals, I considered changing them from 2026 goals to a 3-year plan to give myself more time to achieve everything. But I'm still not sure if I can do everything. Lets go through the list now. I'm going to try to figure out if there's actually any hope of achieving these goals. 

Sharing of academic ideas

Now, one of the categories of goals is, "sharing of academic ideas." I started a podcast called PhDeezNuts, but I only released one episode and then abandoned it. But that's fine! I'm just going to take that off the list because it doesn't matter for now. I'll return to the podcast when I'm ready.

I was going to do a Substack post, presentation, or video on Longfellow's The Song of Hiawatha, but I don't think I will get around to this one this year. So what goal does that leave under 'sharing of academic ideas'? I would say it's writing a post about John Milton's views on marriage. I'm arguing that they have a continuity in some nineteenth-century novels that also have unconventional views on marriage. I have read Paradise Lost as well as Stephan Greenblatt's The Rise and Fall of Adam and Eve, where Greenblatt tells us all about Milton's love life and his views on marriage. I have read Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy, which quotes Milton in an epigraph and questions the institution of marriage. I have also read Middlemarch by George Eliot, in which Dorothea and Will achieve the Miltonic ideal of marriage. The books I still need to read to write this post are probably just Milton's divorce tracts. At least the first one. So I realized I am just one book away from feeling qualified to write this piece for a general, non-academic audience! 

Reading goals

Now, I'm also going to modify my 2026 reading list. The goal is to read 69 books. I will probably achieve that. I had some books that I assigned to myself, but now I feel like my reading interests keep changing and I'd rather see where curiosity takes me than stick to a list. Right now, I'm reading Anna Karenina, On the Origin of Species, and a self-help book for people who have too many interests called Refuse to Choose. Of these, Anna Karenina is the most interesting so far, but Origin was the only one on the 2026 reading plan. But Anna Karenina isn't a waste just because it wasn't part of the plan and was something I got into later. I'm going to take off some of the required titles but keep the quantity of 69.

Art goals

The next category of goals is art goals. I realized what the problem in my art is. You see my technique is decent now, and my content is very fun and cool. But I have not yet been able to marry technique with content. If I am able to marry these two, I will finally be able to produce the kind of art I really want to. 

These are some drawings I did purely for 'technique,' their content is boring. This is just a cupcake and a rubber ducky. Just boring still life that I used YouTube tutorials for. I am fine with the colouring technique. That's not what needs to improve right now. These drawings are also okay, I'm satisfied with them for now. 

Now, there is an issue here that I realized and it is that I rely too much on colour to make drawings look appealing. I love colour, so of course I don't really want to make my favourite pieces less colourful. However, technique pieces are not supposed to be fun. They are supposed to be boring af. You draw something boring to force yourself to improve. It's the only way. I am going to make at least 8 more technique drawings this year, and I will try to make sure they are in black and white. 

I have also made some fun drawings or content drawings. If the technique drawings are like intense gym sessions, fun drawings are like 15 minute walks. That means you still need to do them to stay fit, even though they won't improve your results dramatically. But they are needed to keep your hand and eye trained.

These are the content drawings. This is the Set animal from Egyptian mythology. He embodies chaos. Notice how the colouring is good and the creature is interesting, but this is not a drawing you would praise for its technique. But it was fun. 

A cupcake and a cinnamon bun. Horrible technique. Honestly, not great colouring either. This one was quite rushed. I used a DrawSoCute tutorial and those are for kids. But you guys know I know how to make a good cupcake, because I showed you a better drawing of one already.

And here we have a forg. I am part of a forg appreciation club, and so this drawing is actually up on the club's office wall. I'm not joking about this btw. My life is pretty weird.

Now this one is pretty bad. These are some characters from an unfinished fantasy pocket novel I am working on. Their names are Mariah, Nali, Lysander, and Ostara. Although these names are subject to change. Mariah is a warrior woman from the same country as Nali. Nali is a loser and the protagonist. She is supposed to be a loser because she is from the conquered country and instead of trying to liberate it like Mariah, she works as a castle maid in the country that conquered her. And she sucks at everything. Lysander is a handsome flutist who Nali loves, although it is not reciprocated. He is from an unconquered country. Ostara is the princess of the evil country that conquers everything, and Nali is her maid. 

This is an ahuitzotl, which is a dog-like creature in Aztec mythology that has a hand on its tail that it uses to drown people and take them to the realm of the rain gods. To be honest, I kind of like this one. I was inspired by some designs of wolves in a pet collecting game I play called Chicken Smoothie.  

Okay, to be honest I actually love this one. This is my baby. I don't care if you don't like it. It's inspired by Michi Bizhiw, an aquatic lynx in Ojibwe folklore. I have a real soft spot for this one and it's the best drawing in this post. I made it my Discord profile pic and also turned it into a WhatsApp sticker. 

An axolotl doing the pleading emoji face. This one had a good reception among my frens. Feel free to crop and use in your Discord server or something. 

I don't like this one much, but it depicts some characters from Measure for Measure. They are Isabella, Mariana, Angelo, and Claudio. Isabella wishes to be a nun, but Angelo, who is a horrible person and has control of the state as the deputy of the duke wants to sleep with her. Mariana wants to marry Angelo but he has forsaken her. Claudio is the brother of Isabella, who Angelo wants to execute for having sex outside of marriage even though Angelo is worse!!!

I will be doing 2 more of these maintenance drawings. 

After that, I will make 10 drawings that attempt to marry content and technique. They will be full colour scenes with backgrounds and multiple characters, sort of like storybook illustrations. 

Creative writing goals

I would like to finish the draft of my story on medieval Spain, then revise it a few times after reading Teresa of Avila. I would like to revise and publish two of my poems, which are called 'Fish' and 'Parable of the Wolverine.' The Spain story is called 'You Told me about the Wakwak Tree.' I write so much poetry, but I am actually better at prose.

I would also like to fill up my whole diary and make at least 12 blog posts.

Language learning goals

I'm going to lock in on Anishinaabemowin and sign up for a French class. I took out the other languages for now because this is enough. 

Fitness goals

I need to lock in on this!!!! Do more resistance training and cardio. I use an elliptical for cardio. On days when I don't want to go to the gym for resistance training, I use dumbbells that I have at home. 

Skincare goals

Alright I am pretty satisfied with my skincare routine. I love the cleanser I use (the brand is called The Ordinary) and the moisturizer, which is Olay. Both are very cheap. I use sunscreen too. I stopped using rosewater toner because I actually think it was making my skin worse. So I'm doing cleanser, moisturizer, and sunscreen every day. My skin is soft and looks healthy. Sometimes, I get acne. But it's not really that bad and fades quickly. 

However, I still have blackheads that are a huge problem. I don't use pore strips because I know they aren't good for your skin. I need to experiment with a salicylic acid toner or retinol. Someone gave me a Sephora gift card, so now I will be able to skinmaxx. 

Professional goals

My goals were to try some volunteering. Right now, I am doing volunteer tutoring and I also volunteer for a mental health helpline. My other goals are to try some paid tutoring once I have a bit more experience with volunteer tutoring. I am also going to try a work simulation on Forage related to consulting. For those of you who don't know, Forage work simulations are free online. They're to help you figure out if you would even like a job before you try to apply for it. I will try to consulting simulation. I might hate it, or maybe not. But it will be important information! I have been taking some Excel classes. I will finish these. I have an idea for a small project that will use Excel and I will get started on that once I finish the online Excel course I'm doing. To improve my math, I will grind some textbooks on statistics and probability or find some online lessons. 

After doing all this self-reflection and pondering, here is the final goals list for the rest of 2026. I think this is perfectly manageable: 

1. Write a blog post or article on John Milton's views on marriage and how they may have influenced nineteenth-century novels on marriage. 

2. Read Babel by R.F. Kuang

3. Read Emma by Jane Austen

4. Read Confessions by Augustine

5. Finish reading Darwin's On the Origin of Species 

6. Read AI Morality by David Edmonds

7. Read 69 books. So far, I have read 24. 

8. Make 8 drawings that are only pencil sketches. No colour. These are for improving technique.

9. Make 2 silly drawings with colour.

10. Make 10 drawings that combine technique and appealing subject matter with colour to look like storybook illustrations. 

11. Finish the first draft of my short story 'You Told me about the Wakwak tree' 

12. Read Teresa of Avila's autobiography 

13. Revise the draft of 'You Told me about the Wakwak tree' after reading Teresa of Avila. Edit it and try to submit it to a contest or publication. 

14. Revise and publish my poem 'Fish'

15. Revise and publish my poem 'Parable of the Wolverine' 

16. Fill up my whole diary

17. Write 4 more blog posts for this blog

18. Finish the Kidon Miinawaa Anishinaabemowin course

19. Finish my personal Anishinaabemowin Anki deck

20. Spend at least 40 hours on Anishinaabemowin on Rosetta Stone or Pimsleur 

21. Finish reading one whole issue of Oshkaabewis Native Journal in Anishinaabemowin

22. Passively listen to every Anishinaabemowin episode of the Wiikwemikong podcast. I have 8 left so far. 

23. Sign up for a French class. I have access to some free ones.

24. 100 resistance training sessions. 17 out of 100 so far. lmao it's not going so well.

25. 44 cardio sessions. 19 out of 100 so far. Yes this is bad. Yes I am overweight. But there is hope that I can fix this!!!

26. Try salicylic acid toner or retinol in skincare routine, see if effective in reducing blackheads

27. Continue volunteering tutoring

28. Try paid tutoring

29. Continue mental health helpline volunteering

30. Try becoming a volunteer trainer for the mental health org

31. Try BCG's work simulation on Forage

32. Finish the Excel course on LinkedIn Learning

33. Do a project using Excel

34. Finish a stats textbook 

35. Do some stats practice with online resources 

Alright, this seems like a straightforward list now. I'll let you guys know how it goes. 

Middlemarch completer

i made this meme + this girl is right about everything

Sir Francis Bacon predicted the existence of soulless AI-generated writing in 1605!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My boy Sir Francis Bacon gets a bad rep for his influence on extractive and unethical scientific practices but he is not to blame for his fanbase being awful. Anyway, this is a passage from The Advancement of Learning, which is a very fun, lively, and entertaining book that he wrote that you should definitely read on a weekend holiday while having a matcha oat latte. He is bashing humanist writing that is too concerned with trying to sound like Cicero than actually making a good point, and I think his description sounds like he is describing AI-generated writing:

men began to hunt more after words than matter—more after the choiceness of the phrase, and the round and clean composition of the sentence, and the sweet falling of the clauses, and the varying and illustration of their works with tropes and figures, than after the weight of matter, worth of subject, soundness of argument, life of invention, or depth of judgment.

Remember that AI-generated writing is like autocomplete, it can only ever sound boring and unoriginal because it predicts what the most likely word to occur after something is. It can never be innovative or creative in either writing or art.

Also this is unrelated, but I have started a Substack although I have not posted anything there yet. Here it is in case you are interested: https://substack.com/@axolotlslime

This is a picture of Francis Bacon:

Erasmus's Folly is Jestermaxxing

This meme is original content made by yer girl ;)

What's up fam? We're going to get a little deep on this post lol. Sorry if it sounds a bit like traumadumping at first. But I promise it will get into some interesting analysis of old books later. I will talk a bit about Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, but the majority of this post will be about Erasmus's In Praise of Folly (1511). 

As someone in their twenties, I can not understand why society or the media tends to portray this as the most fun and desirable age. I do believe it is better than childhood or teenage years, simply because I feel more in control of my life now. Children's lives are entirely controlled by adults, which of course they kind of need to be for their safety. But it means they can not really pursue freewillmaxxing, for example by exploring interests, hobbies, beliefs, and friendships that their parents may not approve of. My favourite part of adulthood is getting to freewillmaxx and explore new ideas, sometimes reaching the conclusion that my parents were right about something and sometimes not. Getting to do stuff for myself without having to depend on others is also great, and of course the best part about being over 18 is that Discord mods leave you alone (if you know, you know). 

However, I simply can not accept the idea that this is supposed to be the BEST decade of your life. To me, that sounds crazy since you'll still have at least 40 years of your life left when you're 30 (and most likely more than that). The older you get, the safer you are from Discord mods too! Why do people act like their life ends at 30? I feel like a lot of historical figures I admire didn't even accomplish shit until they were older than 30, so I find this romanticization of youth completely bonkers. John Milton was in his 50s when he was writing Paradise Lost!!!! Why is everyone falling for the propaganda that 20s = best time in life???? I hated my childhood. And I hold the opinion that being in my 20s is better than being a child, and I also look forward to my 30s. And my 40s. Yes. I don't care if that sounds crazy. I AM EXCITED ABOUT GETTING OLDER.

People also romanticize the beauty of youth. But I think it takes a man or woman of culture and sophistication to appreciate mature beauty. It's literally like the difference between one of those AI generated anime-inspired images and like, the Sistine Chapel, but whatever. Just say you like flashiness and instant gratification. "Look how the images dance and flicker across the screen!!!!!"

Of course, every thought that I have ever had, that you have ever had, has already been philosophized about by some person from 100000 years ago. For example, I was thinking, "you know maybe if I lived in the 1600s I would have wanted to marry John Milton." Then I started reading Middlemarch (1871) by George Eliot today and guess what????? It says Dorothea "felt sure that she would have accepted the judicious Hooker, if she had been born in time to save him from that wretched mistake he made in matrimony; or John Milton when his blindness had come on; or any of the other great men whose odd habits it would have been glorious piety to endure..." so basically, she is just like me fr. 

So this got me thinking, was there anyone else before me who hated being young? I like tea and cats and books. I was literally born to be an old lady. My idea of fun is just old lady activities. There has got to be someone who feels like I do about how romanticizing youth is silly. 

There are passages in Meditations about being able to appreciate natural beauty even for things that are aged, mature, and overripe, without disregarding the beauty of youth as well. These come from Book III of Meditations:

"figs, when they are quite ripe, gape open; and in the ripe olives the very circumstance of their being near to rottenness adds a peculiar beauty to the fruit."

"if a man should have a feeling and deeper insight with respect to the things which are produced in the universe, there is hardly one of those which follow by way of consequence which will not seem to him to be in a manner disposed so as to give pleasure. And so he will see even the real gaping jaws of wild beasts with no less pleasure than those which painters and sculptors show by imitation; and in an old woman and an old man he will be able to see a certain maturity and comeliness; and the attractive loveliness of young persons he will be able to look on with chaste eyes; and many such things will present themselves, not pleasing to every man, but to him only who has become truly familiar with nature and her works."

This is great, but the text that really made me feel less alone in my views was In Praise of Folly (1511) by Desiderius Erasmus. Folly is a female jester, but also a goddess, and is the allegorical personification of tomfoolery. The whole book is a speech she makes in praise of herself. She mocks the Stoic philosophers like Aurelius for not being silly. She makes fun of wisemen, philosophers, grammarians, theologians, lawyers, rhetoricians, etc. Her arguments are all exactly what you would expect anti-intellectuals to make, if anti-intellectuals were actually capable of sustaining and defending an argument over the course of a whole book and finding the coolest classical allusions to support themselves. And so Folly does romanticize youth, and she says that her followers get to be young forever. Erasmus was obviously what we would think of as a "wiseman," and the book appears to be a humorous roasting of himself in part. But knowing that the views expressed by Folly are often satire really helped me feel less alone in my views, because they are better defined against what Folly expresses if that makes sense. 

Folly was conceived out of wedlock by Plutus when he was in his youth with the beautiful nymph Neote, and she is really proud of this. She was nursed by Drunkenness and Stupidity. Her handmaidens are Flattery, Forgetfulness, Pleasure, Madness, Luxury, etc. 

^ I found this picture online, which has a quote from the book. But I really don't like that drawing. I want to draw an allegorical personification of Folly as a sexy female jester and make Erasmus proud. 

Folly on Aging 

Folly says if you follow her, you get to be young forever. If you become wise, you'll get wrinkles. Here is a quotation:

 "if mortals would refrain completely from any contact with wisdom and live their entire lives with me, there would not be any old age at all. Instead, they would enjoy perpetual youth and live happily ever after. You see, don’t you, how these grave and sober personages who devote themselves to philosophical studies or to serious and difficult tasks seem to enjoy hardly any youthful years at all; they grow old before their time because they are forever worrying and beating their brains out about knotty problems, so that their vital spirits gradually dry up, leaving them exhausted and juiceless, as it were."

Folly also talks about how gifted children are an absolute curse. The charm of children is supposed to be in their ignorance. 

"Aren’t we put off by the child who has the knowledge of a grown man? Don’t we avoid such precocious prodigies like the plague?" 

Folly claims that women are naturally sillier than men. They are less suited for intellectual pursuits. They like frivolous things. But Folly thinks this a good thing! She claims that this is also how women preserve their youthful soft skin, while men get rough skin from having to think too many thoughts. Women are meant to be the comic relief in men's lives.

 "by living with him she can season and sweeten the sourness of the masculine mind with her folly."

“Where do men get their rough features, coarse skin, bushy beards-all of them clearly signs of old age? Where but from the vice of prudence? Women, on the other hand, have soft cheeks, a high voice, a delicate and smooth complexion, so that they seem to preserve forever unchanged the marks of adolescence”

Now this raises the question, what does Folly think of women who don't like being silly and would rather be wise? Well just like with children who are wise beyond their age, she hates them. And she thinks Pallas, which is another name for Athena the goddess of wisdom, is a huge nerd. 

Over all, wise people are boring and annoying and they ruin everything, as we can see in this passage:

Bring a wiseman to a party: he will disrupt it either by his gloomy silence or his tedious cavils. Invite him to a dance: you would think it was ‘a camel dancing.’ Drag him along to a public festival: his face alone will be enough to put a damper on people’s gaiety— wise Cato will be forced to leave the theater because he cannot put off his supercilious airs. If he joins a conversation, everyone suddenly ‘clams up.’ If something has to be bought, if some contract has to be negotiated, in short, if any of those things must be done without which everyday life cannot be carried on, you would say this wiseman is more of a blockhead than a man. 

The whole book is definitely worth a read if you get a chance. Folly claims to be blurting out anything that comes to her mind, but she clearly knows how to deploy rhetorical strategies, and so she secretly partakes in and benefits from the learning that she tells others not to pursue. 

Some of you may be interested in Folly's criticism of theologians and ascetics in particular, in which case you would really like the later sections of this book that I have not covered. 

I found this book humorous, comforting, skillfully written, and over all just amazing and would definitely recommend it to people who like pondering about things. 

Alright fam, that's all for today!!!   

The Creature Social Hierarchy (joke post please do not take this seriously)

This is literally just a shitpost, so please do not politicize it!!! It's not Plato's Republic, so don't use it as inspiration for your manifesto please. This is just inspired by those silly incels who no one takes seriously any more who came up with terms like sigma male, alpha male, beta male, etc. I do not understand incel astrology, nor do I wish to, and so I am completely fine with doing epistemic injustice to their worldview and just making my own social hierarchy with funnier terms.

If we're going to have a social hierarchy, the terms should not be Greek letters and types of males. We should use creature-related terminology because it is funnier. It is also gender neutral. We're all God's creatures. So this is my social hierarchy classification:

Lowest tier, do not label someone as this tier unless they are irredeemable:

Vermin: this includes people who groomed u on Kik when u were in middle school, Discord mods, everyone in the Epstein files, etc.

Mid tiers. Most people you know are these. These are also the default tiers that people are born into. You can progress into the higher tiers by being a self-improover, or you can lapse into lowest tier by being a horrible person. 

Critter: some random person with 0 friends 

Extinct species: Proto-normie 

Animal: a normie 

Self-imrpoover tiers. It is very good to get on this tier and most people can with a bit of effort. This is NOT deterministic like incelology. 'Betas' are doomed and can never be Chads according to incels, but in my system everyone can get on this tier. 

Creature: clever person who might make it 

Beast: someone on their grind 

Legend tiers. I also believe everyone can get on these with exceptional effort if they pass through self-improover tier first. The key is that I only think old people can get on this tier because it requires a lifetime of self-improovement. 

Apex predator: a philosopher-king 

Cryptid: sigma, stays out of the social hierarchy by choice

So there you have it. Those are the tiers. Personally, I believe I am a Creature. This is on the self-imrpoover tier. However, I have also been extinct species and animal before. My boyfriend? Definitely a cryptid even though he is not old. He is just incredibly based and sigma. By emulating some of his fine qualities, I believe I may become an apex predator. But this will take a long time. 

Most important thing about this system is that a vermin can not become a critter. However, no one is born a vermin. They may sink to the level of vermin, which is a point of no return. But if you are a critter, you can become an extinct species and animal eventually. Heck, you can even become an apex predator or cryptid. It's just a lot of work.

This is a silly post!!!!! do not i repeat do not take this seriously. this is peak silliness. Thank you. I believe in freewillmaxxing over doompilled determinism and I like creatures, that is all.

Oddly specific meme

I made this meme. Does anyone else feel this way when they yap to their boyfriend about their autistic hyperfixation?

do techbros misunderstand Meditations by Marcus Aurelius? also I am still Ojibwemaxxing

I will be yapping about these books:

Hi everyone! So I realize that the title of this post might be a bit clickbaity and I don't actually want to bash anyone's efforts to engage with the classics. However, what made me want to write this post was the fact that I recently read a book called Embers: One Ojibway’s Meditations by Richard Wagamese, and I could not help but be reminded of what is probably the most famous example of the “philosophical journal” style of book, which is Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you’ll know that I’m a non-Indigenous learner of Anishinaabemowin, the Ojibwe language. I’ve written on this blog before about universal truths that are found across different storytelling traditions. For example, Basil Johnston’s retelling of the Ojibwe story of the wolverine reminds me an awful lot of my boy Satan from Milton’s Paradise Lost. For today though, I wanted to focus on how some people may misinterpret Stoic philosophy as being about isolating yourself, becoming hyperindependent, and avoiding relationships with others. I believe such ideas are erasing some of the nuances in Meditations and could be harmful. Aurelius does mention the important of community. So does Wagamese. In Embers, Wagamese draws from Anishinaabe worldview to remind us that all of creation is our community, so that includes creatures and plants.

Perhaps people who are huge fans of Meditations won’t like that I’m speaking of it alongside Embers. One is a timeless classic and one was written in the same century as us. However, Wagamese certainly draws from some very ancient teachings. And he seems to have been interested in making this wisdom accessible even to people who not know anything about Ojibwe culture. Aurelius was keeping a diary for the sake of his own self-improvement and did not intend for so many people to read it. Also, I understand why people who hate new age spirituality and self-help books might be reluctant to read “Embers.” Trust me, I hate that kinda stuff and I only read The Power of Now because my dad and my boyfriend like it. However, I enjoyed Embers. And I do not think an Ojibway writer writing about Anishinaabe teachings should be reduced to “new age.” Richard Wagamese isn’t a white woman.

Okay, lets pull up a banger from Meditations now. This is from Book 11, number viii. There are of course, many different translations of Meditations. But I am using this one on Wikisource because it is easy to access: https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Meditations_of_the_Emperor_Marcus_Antoninus/Book_11

Here is the banger quotation. Notice especially the ending, where he talks about how you should value community but you shouldn’t lose yourself in it.

8. A branch cut off from the bough it belonged to cannot but be cut off also from the whole tree. Similarly a man, if severed from a single man, has fallen away from society as a whole. Now in the case of a branch, it is cut off by another agency, whereas man by his own act divides himself from his neighbour, when he hates him and turns from him, yet he does not realize that at the same time he has severed himself from the whole Commonwealth. Only there is this singular gift of Zeus who brought society together, that we are enabled to join again with the man we belong to, and again to become complements of the Whole. Yet, if it is often repeated, the effect of such separation is to make what separates difficult to unite and to restore. Generally speaking, too, the branch which originally grew with the tree and shared its transpiration, by remaining with it, is different from the branch which is engrafted again after being cut off, whatever gardeners may say. 'Grow together with them but do not share their doctrines.'

What do we make of this? Aurelius is not against forming relationships. He is against forming toxic, codependent attachments that would prevent you from thinking for yourself or having your own opinions.

A lot of what Meditations talks about is Logos or Reason, which is sort of like your inner god. It is an unshakeable part of you that should not be impacted by any life circumstances, however good or tragic they may be. You always have Reason even when you have nothing else. Guess what? Wagamese also speaks of having part of the Creator within him.

Lets pull up a banger from Embers. This is also a tree-related passage. It is about mast seeding, which is how trees use their roots to communicate with each other so that they all know that they should bear fruit at the same time. Pecan trees do this. This is what he says. Keep in mind that he wrote this stuff because these were thoughts that occurred to him during his morning meditations, so in a way it is sort of like Aurelius’s journal but less private:

“I’ve learned nuts are formed from symbiotic relationships between trees. They communicate through fungal networks in the soil. In a process called mast seeding, different species of trees communicate and come into fruit (the delivery of nuts) at the same time, ensuring their ongoing survival. Tree talk, tree people; as my own people say. These days I’m definitely a nut, learning to exist in unity, synchrony and harmony.”

Even trees have friends!!! And they talk to their frens. So you see, grindset advice that does not encourage you to form community or a support system is probably a bad idea.

Wagamese and Aurelius both suggest holding oneself to a very high standard while simultaneously having extreme compassion for others, and this is also how I personally want to live my life. By having very high standards for myself, but not for other people. I don’t want to judge others. If I am focusing on self-improovement, I would not have the time to do so.

That’s all for today’s chronic yapping post. Thanks for reading it!!

Unconventional essay writing advice that involves thinking about love and friendship

This is Michel de Montaigne!!! He was really good at writing essays :))

What’s up fam? It’s yer girl. Today, we are going to discuss unconventional essay writing advice. If you’re an undergrad, chances are that you have to write tons of these. Everyone hates essays, right? And everyone finds them boring to read too, don’t they? Well actually, I’m going to give you some unconventional essay writing advice that makes it fun to write essays. It will also make it fun to read essays.

First, I need to start by explaining why the form of the essay is important. A lot of people believe essays, or perhaps nonfiction writing in general is boring. They think it doesn’t stir the emotions as much as fiction does. The truth is, a well-written essay can be as moving as poetry. Want an example? Read “Of Friendship” by Michel de Montaigne. He argues that loyalty to your best friend is above all other loyalties. It is much more important than loyalty to the state. He supports codependent monogamous friendships!!! AND HE WOULD NEVER SNITCH ON A HOMIE. Here is an excerpt from “Of Friendship,” (1588) in John Florio’s translation (1603). It talks about two besties or bros named Gracchus and Blosius. Blosius says he trusts Gracchus, so he would listen to his fren if his fren told him to set fire to all the temples. Here it is:

When Lelius in the presence of the Romane Consuls, who after the condemnation of Tiberius Gracchus, pursued all those that had beene of his acquaintance, came to enquire of Caius Blosius (who was one of his chiefest friends) what he would have done for him, and that he answered, “All things.” “What, all things?” replied he. “And what if he had willed thee to burne our Temples?” Blosius answered, “He would never have commanded such a thing.” “But what if he had done it?” replied Lelius. The other answered, “I would have obeyed him.” If hee were so perfect a friend to Gracchus as Histories report, he needed not offend the Consuls with this last and bold confession, and should not have departed from the assurance hee had of Gracchus his minde. But yet those who accuse this answer as seditious, understand not well this mysterie: and doe not presuppose in what termes he stood, and that he held Gracchus his will in his sleeve, both by power and knowledge. They were rather friends than Citizens, rather friends than enemies of their countrey, or friends of ambition and trouble.

“THEY WERE FRIENDS RATHER THAN CITIZENS” LET THAT SINK IN!!

I use this deeply moving passage as evidence to say that thinking essays are boring is an equally horrible take as thinking there is nothing to be learned from fiction (perhaps I will write an essay on this sometime). A good essay tries to convince your reader that you have a respectable point. Evidence for your thesis, such as in the form of primary source quotations, is very important. However, what’s even more important is having a voice. You should sound like you have convictions when you write an essay.

Now, for any kind of writing, you’ve probably heard the suggestion to write first and revise later. This is pretty good advice. Make it exist first, because you can make it good later. All first drafts suck. I definitely agree with this advice, but don’t edit out your raw voice. To cultivate voice, write blog posts and diary entries. Basically anything informal where you use little or no editing and just talk about your thoughts and feelings. I do this on this blog all the time. I write informally about literary fiction or monographs just to get my thoughts and first impressions of a text down. But in this post, I would like to propose unconventional advice that applies specifically to essays.

My unconventional essay writing tip has to do with thinking about love and friendship as you write!!!

Now hear me out. Imagine people who are close to you as you write. Your homie, your mom, your fair beloved, etc. And write as though you are addressing them. Start it off in the style of a letter if that helps, and then eventually delete the part of your draft that starts with “dear ___.”

Can there be any doubt that Montaigne was thinking about a homie the entire time he was composing “Of Friendship”?

But your essay doesn’t actually have to be about friendships or relationships for this tip to apply. If you care about any idea enough, the only things you probably care about more are the people you love. And naturally, you must want to communicate ideas idea that matter to you with them.

My tip is for essay writing. Perhaps you can apply it to other forms of writing. But I intend it is an essay writing tip because I actually think there’s something very intimate about the essay form. When you have intellectual discourse with someone, it’s like seeing the inside of their brain. This is why it feels amazing to read an essay by someone you love, especially if it’s a raw, unpolished draft with their authentic voice. If your fair beloved sends you a spicy photo, that’s basically just like seeing an anatomical diagram compared to seeing their rough drafts.

You may wish to argue to change the political system in some way. Perhaps there is some famous book, and a certain passage from it is very popular, but you want to argue for the importance of one of its more overlooked passages. Perhaps you think human civilization has been entirely wrong about a concept for over 500 years. Why not start off your essay on these topics like a letter? The distinction between public and private thoughts is fake anyway.

Sure, you may write about an esoteric subject you’re interested in that your loved ones neither know nor care about. But ultimately your deepest held beliefs are informed by things that you think would benefit THEM if your ideas were implemented by society.

Do you think literature is supposed to instill virtue? Do you think society devalues beauty, and that this is cheapening art? Or perhaps you have the opposite take, and think that bourgeois aesthetic ideal are used to justify violent oppression. Maybe you have takes that criticize the school system, or the healthcare system, or the justice system because you know someone who has been personally wronged by the. Someone you love. Sometimes, that’s what it takes for people to stop feeling a distinction between social issues (issues that “happen to other people who are not like me, who either deserve it or who I can not help”) and personal issues. Your writing may seem arcane to your loved ones. But really, in a way you’re doing it for them. Aren’t you?

So start your essays off as letters. In some ways, this unconventional writing advice is like the advice of “touch grass to write better novels.” Sure you should probably read literary fiction if you’re a novelist, but your burst of inspiration is most likely to come from living life. I have a fren who loves Jane Austen. He told me that the reason why he loves Pride and Prejudice so much is because he thinks Austen sounds like she loves people. She doesn’t sound like a bitter misanthrope. If you descend into misanthropy, it may result in your downfall as a writer.

Being a good essayist does require touching grass. But more specifically, it requires forming meaningful relationships.

I was reading a critic’s work where he kinda sounded like he hated medieval literature. Medieval fans may not like that this guy was spouting the typical “it was the Dark Ages” narrative. But the point he used to criticize stuff by medieval writers who went monkmode was that they have a murderous hatred of the world that they clothe in asceticism!! Do not be like that!! resist temptation to go monkmode.

Thank you for reading this. As you can probably tell, I am a chronic yapper.