Art is Bad for My Self-Esteem

Ok, weird title I know. But hear me out. Artistic hobbies are often recommended by therapists as coping methods for anxiety and depression. But I would argue from personal experience that they just make me more anxious and depressed. 

Don't get me wrong, I love the arts. I have a DeviantArt account with hundreds of drawings (it's aztecatl13.deviantart.com if anyone's interested). I've acted in plays, recited my poetry at open mics, and written numerous short stories and even novels. I love music as well and tried to myself the bansuri (Indian bamboo flute) and some other instruments as well. I love the arts but... I guess you could say the arts don't love me. 

Drawing isn't therapeutic. It makes me feel like shit actually, but I still do it. My art is never good enough. It never turns out the way I want it to be. I am chronically bad at it even though I've taken so many art lessons over the years and practiced quite a lot. 

In general, I don't have an eye for what looks good or aesthetic. I am horrible at design too. While looking for self-care tips, I found out about bullet journals (planners that you draw in, basically). I saw pictures of them on Pinterest and thought of making one. I bought a bullet journal and totally destroyed it because my drawings and layouts were horrible. I can't draw neatly for the life of me, and my pages ended up looking messy as a bloody massacre. 

In high school and elementary school, one of my best friends at the time was also causing issues for me. We'll call him Peter. Peter was a brilliant artist. And I really mean brilliant, because he's studying art in a really good art program now. I admired Peter in so many ways and really looked up to him. I bought art from him and decorated my walls with it. Peter was great at acting too and had numerous other artistic talents. I would always compliment him and tell him how smart and creative he was.

The issue? Peter never had anything nice to say about me or my art. He was incredibly critical of me, saying my acting was bad. Saying that I couldn't draw. Saying that he cringes whenever he sees my art or writing. He told me he didn't think I could be successful in the future or get a good job or anything. I really internalized what he said because I cared about his opinion (he was one of my best friends, although I guess he didn't see me that way). I am guessing he saw me as a friendly acquaintance only. Or just a fan of his art. 

I stopped talking to Peter after high school because of how he impacted my self-esteem. I still really admire him and I don't think he was a bad person, but what he said really hurt me nonetheless. And I had to distance myself from the toxic friendship. 

I continued posting my art on Facebook and tried to forget what Peter said. Then some asshole who I don't even know decided to "haha react" to my drawings. I felt so humiliated that I deleted an album of over 200 drawings after that. It was just some stranger on the internet, but they really hurt my feelings. I thought of what Peter said, "people who say they like your art are just lying to make you feel better. I'm being honest." 

The experience with Peter made me never want to draw again. 

Or write. 

Or act. 

Or play music. 

Or do any of the other artistic hobbies which I love. 

And it's going to take me a long time to recover from this. But I hope I get there someday. 

I don't really have a happy ending for this sadpost, but thank u for reading about my f e e l i n g s.