For hapless souls who are languishing in limerence: The Dionysian Passion of Werther

It's real yearner hours. Smash that like button if ur still up brooding, pondering, languishing, and lamenting. This post is going to be about one of the worst things ever lmao: limerence. I would give you guys a definition of what limerence means, but I think it is better to SHOW you what it means. There is a very famous novel about a limerent character called The Sorrows of Young Werther by Goethe. Here are some letters that Werther sent to his friend Wilhelm about a lady named Lotte:

• 3 September: "Sometimes it is beyond my comprehension that any other man can love her, is allowed to love her, since I love her solely, with such passion and so completely and know nothing, having nothing but her."

• 19 October: "Oh the gap, the fearful gap, I feel here in my breast! — Often I think if once, just once, I could press her to my heart the gap would all be filled."

• 27 October, evening: "I have so much and my feeling for her devours everything, I have so much and without her everything is nothing."

Every limerent in the history of limerence has sent nearly identical messages to their homie while they were crashing out over the equally unfortunate person who is the Limerent Object (LO). Negative reviews of this book complain that Werther's emotions seem exaggerated and over-the-top, that they find him unrelatable because he is like a silly caricature to them rather than like a real person. He is too dramatic for them. But the limerent reader will scream "he's just like me fr" at these passages. In fact to the limerent reader, Werther might actually appear relatively composed and not dramatic enough. 

So now we have established that limerence is a soul-consuming obsession with a person who is not interested, and that a limerent brain is much like a drug addict's brain. In Werther's case, it is for a woman who is already married to someone else. 

I saw a random woman on Goodreads give this book a bad review (I gave it 5 stars, and I am also a woman. I mention my gender because it is relevant to this discourse). She said Werther is creepy and that the book was boring. It is true that Werther is creepy. Limerence is creepy. And boringness is subjective so I'll give that to her, even though I found it entertaining. Now, what was waaaay dumber than this review was one of the replies to it from a man who actually seems to have liked this book as much as I did. He clapped back at her saying that it was a good book and that women can not appreciate it because they lack Dionysian passion. 

As someone who liked this book, I will gatekeep the shit out of it from this sexist ahh man even though we both liked it. You don't deserve Werther if you don't understanding his hopeless yearning to be a universal emotion, not something exclusively experienced by men. I HAVE WAY MORE DIONYSIAN PASSION THAN YOU. 

Also as a book enjoyer, I gotta say to this man: 

• Read Shakespeare's Venus and Adonis and tell me if you think Venus or Adonis is more limerent. Spoiler alert: IT'S VENUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• How did Elaine of Astolat die in the Arthurian legends? That's right, UNREQUITED LOVE FOR LANCELOT. 
• Orsino from Twelfth Night, just like this random guy on Goodreads, also thinks men have more Dionysian passion than women and make better yearners. So he says "There is no woman's sides/Can bide the beating of so strong a passion/As love doth give my heart; no woman's heart/So big, to hold so much; they lack retention" in Act 2 Scene 4. However, VIOLA IS LITERALLY IN LOVE WITH HIM and says she knows that women can be equally down bad. She is disguised as a boy in this scene, which is perhaps why Orsino takes her seriously enough to listen to her objection to what he says. Shakespeare is literally making fun of people who are like the random guy on Goodreads. 
• The biggest yearner in the history of yearning was literally Sappho and she was a lesbian 

Now that I have destroyed this random guy on Goodreads, it's time to get back to the topic of limerence. If you have low self-esteem, you are more likely to experience limerence because you believe you are unworthy of real love. If you are scared of relationships or scared of commitment or the responsibilities of a real relationship (I am warning you that you may be very in denial of this if you are), then you are more likely to be limerent. If you are unhappy with your life in general, limerence offers comforting fantasies. I understand limerence very well. I have spoken with many people about it who have gone through it, and I have gone through it myself a couple of times. I am in an online support group where I give people advice about it from time to time. 

I have spoken to someone whose LO was a much older lady who treated this person like shit basically but they still loved her for like over a decade even though she was abusive, I have spoken to a woman who was forsaken by her LO when he unexpectedly left her and she never got closure and she did not think she could ever love someone again because this man randomly ghosted her, and recently I have spoken with an individual who was limerent over someone who was in a relationship already. 

Many of the anonymous posts in the online support group I have seen were written by married people. They became limerent for someone other than their spouse. I know, it's easy to absolutely hate them for this. In a world where so many people don't get to marry the person they love for various reasons, it's easy to hate someone who seems lucky enough to have gotten married but we must remember that they sometimes married a person who they don't even love. Doesn't seem so lucky now, does it? 

Here are some infographics and memes about limerence that I have gathered, in case you guys still need some clarification on what limerence is.

Now honestly, I am in a happy relationship but I think I do spend a lot of time thinking about my fair beloved the way limerents do. Thinking about the person a lot seems to be relatively harmless as long as it is not preventing you from doing things you need to get done. But if they are the only thing that gives you dopamine, that can get dangerous. 

I feel like it would be very irresponsible of me not to end this post with some tips of what you should do if you are limerent. Don't worry, there is hope. Goethe actually went through limerence himself, and writing Werther helped give him closure. Perhaps a creative hobby can also help you. Here are other things you can try:

• Go No Contact with the LO (very very difficult to do, I know) but you can keep a No Contact journal, message a close friend about how you're doing when you go No Contact, or post in a limerence-related forum online where other people can give you supportive comments to help. 
• Improve other areas of your life so that the LO becomes less appealing try to have self-compassion while doing so. You deserve a better life, so give yourself one!!!
• To avoid behaviour that could be seen as creepy, read posts about people who have been LOs so you can understand what limerence is like for a person on the receiving end. This will help you understand how certain actions may impact them. You can also read posts by people who have been victims of stalking to gain an understanding of how they feel and avoid any behaviour that may even slightly approach stalking. 
• Improve your self-esteem I heard someone say he doesn't have very good self-esteem because he has not accomplished certain goals. For example, he wants to get a car, but doesn't have one. Compliments from his friends help him feel better about himself. However, a person with high self-esteem will not be positively or negatively influenced by other people's words so easily, and they will not believe their worth depends on something as small as whether or not they have a car. You have inherent self-worth and you deserve love. Remembering this will help you improve your life.
• Do not have a negative attitude towards romantic relationships or friendships and do not become bitter. People who are dealing with limerence may have the urge to become hyperindependent, but that can actually lead to more limerence because a lack of satisfying relationships can cause limerence. Learn about friendship red flags and green flags, and work on forming a support network. Everyone needs one, and you will actually risk becoming more clingy and desperate without one. Knowing you have 2-3 solid friendships and actively putting in effort into them will prevent you from wasting effort on some random person who you have pedestalized and romanticized and who doesn't care about you.
• Forgive yourself and forgive your LO. Your LO is not evil and did not want to hurt you (assuming the majority of people have positive intentions). You were both doing the best you could with what you knew. Forgiveness is important for moving on, so is letting go of shame and anger.

Alright fam, that wraps up this post. Please do let me know your thoughts, especially if you have any experience with going through limerence or with being a LO. If you are a book enjoyer, do you know any other books besides Werther that portray limerence well? Let me know if you do!