The Improover to Doomer Crashout (Send help plz)

 This is how I look rn:

Yer girl is going through it rn. I actually need a doctor. And a therapist. And a physiotherapist. R.I.P. me. Basically, I've been dealing with horrible anxiety and it's been affecting my mental/physical health a lot. Today I realized the cause is something quite unfortunate: I've become too invested in self-improvement, what you can call "Improover culture," which means it's actually too hard for me to just turn my brain off and enjoy things without trying to improve in them. I also haven't really improoved in anything except marginally I guess. I don't know. It's just not working. In case you don't know what Improover culture is, this meme does a good job of romanticizing it:

Now as you may know, I like drawing and writing. But drawing is actually a source of immense stress for me now. I don't draw to relax, I draw to improve my drawing technique now. 

It's very hard for me to turn off my brain. I tried to mindlessly do a colouring book, but it didn't work for relaxing me. I always found meditation really hard. There were a bunch of times I tried to get into it with meditation classes or videos but I only kept it up for like a week or two at a time and then gave up. I find it hard to enjoy popular media because it feels low quality.

I used to make fun of my parents because they both watch too many TV shows, but my dad said they watch them completely without guilt. They don't view these shows as a time waster at all, even though I can't help but see them that way. But that means they're also way happier than me. They don't have these types of crashouts. 

There are some YouTubers I will admit I actually do like watching even though I feel cringe to admitting to this. I like watching JREG, Vaush, Contrapoints and on the completely opposite end of the political spectrum: Classically Abby sometimes (Ben Shapiro's sister). Obviously, watching YouTube is a low IQ and time wasting hobby. And I always feel extremely guilty if I watch these things because it feels so dumb, like how my parents watch dumb Pakistani TV shows with cousin marriage plots. 

But my dad gave me the advice to actually do some activities purely for fun, no matter how stupid they are. He said it would be better for my mental health in the long run. And maybe I would actually improve a bit more if I didn't have anxious breakdowns all the time. 

Idk how to feel about this. I've been doing 'monthly goals' for some time and failing to meet them. I also made a huge list of 2026 goals and didn't achieve most of them so far. But is anything on that list worth the amount of stress I feel rn? I don't know about that.

I have been forcing myself to make 'technique drawings.' These are drawings that I don't like making. They're not my preferred style. But they're necessary for improoving. I was supposed to make 10 of these but I only made 5 so far. I leave you with my sad 'technique drawings' below:

Okay actually I'll try to end on a slightly hopepilled note? idk

So my dad studied engineering in university. But he was also an actor (just as a hobby). He used to perform in plays. He actually used to be a very cool person before he became a suburbanite. But anyway, he told me he'd have minor crashouts sometimes because he would meet professional actors and thought he wasn't as good as them. But then he remembered he was an engineering student (and a very good one), while these people did acting 24/7. It was their actual career. One can argue it's more impressive to be a good engineer and a mediocre actor than just a good actor, idk. I am not sure if this is hopepilled enough, because some Sigma Self-Improover reading this could be like "SKILL ISSUE!!!!!!! I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN A HOLLYWOOD ACTOR AND A WALL STREET BANKER AND A SILICON VALLEY TECH BRO AND I SPEAK 83 LANGUAGES AND I MAKE OIL PAINTINGS THAT SELL FOR $11988398110 EACH AND I HAVE READ EVERY DOSTOEVSKY NOVEL AND I CAN DO 69 PUSHUPS IN A ROW IN PERFECT FORM. YOU LAZY KIDS THESE DAYS JUST AREN'T LOCKING IN HARD ENOUGH."

Anyway, I'll let y'all ponder about this one. I haven't really figured out the solution to this problem yet, because I don't like the idea of abandoning self-improovment. idk what to do honestly. Do I just have skill issues?

Printable activities for Snekcoatl fans (including self-care bingo card drop for Improovers!!!!)

What's up fam? Yer girl had a birthday party recently, and one of the activities I had my frens do when they came over to my place was a printable wordsearch I made. If you would like to find the names of mythological snenkes from all over the world, here is a link to the pdf: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1WmSnduoP4adBo4SCpItvKOWVT6T5V4qU/view?usp=sharing 

Also, for those of you who are Improovers (people obsessed with self-improvement), I have decided to make a self-care bingo card. You can print this out or post this on your Instagram story. Here is the link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1NU3Vk0407TZyWSLQr34i3TD9NYH7wbxu/view?usp=sharing 

Have fun improving, frens!!!!!!

How low self-esteem affects social interactions

 This is how it works. You have low self-esteem, so you think that means you're inherently unworthy. You think you are inferior to whoever you are trying to be friends with, so you try to make up for it by acting extremely devoted and self-sacrificing for them. You idolize them and don't realize that this prevents a genuine connection from forming. When the person starts pulling away, you think it's because you're not cool or smart enough (even though the person probably did think you were cool to begin with, that's why they were hanging out with you). You may not realize the issue was with how you were making them uncomfortable by expressing affection in an inappropriate way. 

Some ways to fix this issue in your social life are the following (I suggest combining all 3 methods):

1. Tone down extreme displays of affection

2. Find people who have a higher tolerance level for extreme displays of affection and befriend them instead of people who find them off-putting

3. Work on your self-esteem so you don't feel the need to act so devoted to others without their reciprocity 

This advice can apply to both love and friendship. When it comes to love, you should also try to remember that love isn't just an experience you have in your mind alone. It needs to involve two people who are willing to build a relationship together. If you tend to spend years in limerence or one-sided love (as many people with low self-esteem do) then you need to remind yourself that real love is possible and it will feel even better. Not to get all NSFW, but limerence is only related to love as much as masturbation is related to sex. Reality is actually better than fantasy, but if you use fantasy to cope with your mental health issues then it can be hard to see that.

Now, you may be thinking "Okay, so now I know why it's important to work on my self-esteem. But how do I do that?" My other post on a simple life hack you can use to try developing self-esteem may help you. Here's the link to it if you want to check it out: https://freyathefrypan.blogspot.com/2024/08/life-hack-for-developing-self-esteem.html

I hope this helps!!

Life Hack for Developing Self-Esteem

One of the reasons why it's important to develop healthy self-esteem is because it helps you connect better with other people. Basically, you won't see others as being better than you. So you'll learn to express your affection for them in a way that doesn't seem like you're worshipping them (this would also be annoying or uncomfortable for a lot of people!) You will be able to call them out when they make mistakes as well. 

A lot of people may lose interest in being friends with you if you express affection in a way that feels stifling to them. This doesn't mean that they don't think you're cool or interesting, but they may feel overwhelmed by you. You need to remember you're inherently worthy. Your worth isn't based on your productivity, "coolness," etc. If you are simply existing without harming anyone, you deserve a certain level of respect and consideration. You certainly do not need to act self-sacrificing for anyone in order to get them to like you. 

So now that we've been over why it's important to have a healthy self-esteem, here's my life hack for how you do it:

You need to change your internal narrative to be less negative by talking to yourself the way you would to a close friend. A close friend who you have a healthy, stable, mutually beneficial relationship with. Or alternatively, talk to yourself the way they talk to you and try to internalize their voice. The negative voice you have in your head right now possibly reflects the voice of people who bullied, abused, neglected you or hurt you in some other way.

Some things that my close frens do for me:

-Shower me with love and affection even when I have not done anything for them that directly benefits them 

-Call out harmful behaviors and actions in a way that criticizes the action itself, not me as a person. They don't judge to the conclusion that I'm a horrible person!!

-Encourage me to stay motivated and focused 

-Celebrate small and big wins

So I can internalize these things by talking nicely to myself in my head but also calling myself out and being real with myself when I'm doing something sus.

This will overall lead to a more positive and less doompilled narrative.

This hack is very effective. However the limitation is that you do need to have friends in order for this to work. Good friends who you feel connected to. Because self-love doesn't occur in a vacuum and you kind of do need to know what it's like to be treated well by friends who love you so that you can treat yourself that way. I don't know how you'd be able to do it the other way around, so it's important not to shut yourself out from making friends.

However, if you are having trouble making friends to begin with, I will probably write another post on that soon. It can be tricky because you need to learn when a friendship isn't working and you might need to cut that person off, but also when you might be catastrophizing a fixable issue and you shouldn't sabotage the friendship by ending it without assessing the situation properly. But more on that later. For now, I hope you'll consider what I said about the life hack. 

2021 New Year's Resolutions

My new year's resolution is to read 100 books in 2021. I'm competing against one of my friends to see who can reach this target. I know this is going to be difficult as I usually read only 28-30 books a year. But it's not impossible. I set a target of 100 books on Goodreads for 2021.

Here are some of the books I plan on reading:

• The Kite Runner (very popular novel. might read this one as well as A Thousand Splendid Suns by the same author)
• Entering Sappho (a poetry collection)
• Shades by Arthur Slade (a short story collection)
• A Bride's Story manga (we agreed that a graphic novel is worth 1/3 of a regular book)
• The State and Revolution by Vladimir Lenin (recommended by a communist friend)

...and many more!

Please let me know your recommendations for books I should read as well.

I'm also probably going to read a lot of historical fiction novels because I always do. Or perhaps some young adult fiction that's based on mythology or something. 

As a bonus, my other new year's resolution is to work on my self-esteem. This is probably going to be harder than the 100-book challenge. I don't even know how I can do this. ugh. I can't even think of a plan. I just really hate how I look. Maybe my goal will be to save up enough money for plastic surgery lmao.