The Marriage Trilogy (Jude the Obscure, Middlemarch, and Anna Karenina)

Warning: this post contains SPOILERS on nineteenth-century novels!!!!!!

Don't mind me if I make a lonelymaxxing type of post. I just really wanted to talk about three nineteenth-century novels that I believe everyone who ponders about marriage should read. These three books constitute what I am going to call The Marriage Trilogy. They contain everything marriage-related you can possibly ponder about. These three books are:

1. Jude the Obscure (1895) by Thomas Hardy -- (Book #1 The Doompill)

2. Middlemarch (1872) by George Eliot -- (Book #2 The Hopepill)

3. Anna Karenina (1878) by Leo Tolstoy -- (Book #3 The Compromisepill) 

This is probably not the last time you're going to have to deal with me marriageposting or divorceposting (I recently read John Milton's pamphlet on divorce!!! So watch out!!!) By the way, Hardy actually quotes Milton in Jude the Obscure!!!!

Jude the Obscure -- The Doompill 

Jude the Obscure is actually my favourite novel of all time. It's also a book that made me cry, scream, and crash out because it's the saddest novel I've ever read. Without giving too much away, the novel is about two people who love each other who can not be with each other. This is because Jude marries a woman who manipulates his sense of honour/chivalry but who he does not actually love, and Sue (who he actually loves) marries someone else who can provide for her out of convenience. But Sue does not love the old schoolmaster she marries either. Jude and Sue have an intellectual connection. Sue basically changes Jude's entire worldview through their intellectual discussions. It's clear that Hardy thinks intellectual companionship is important. They both do Latinmaxxing and Greekmaxxing, but Jude does this to study Christianity while Sue has a deeper appreciation of the classical pagan authors. And this has a huge impact on their worldviews and leads to lively debate and long yaps between them. This book is extremely doompilling because it makes it sound like everyone ends up marrying someone they settle for rather than who they truly love. Even when Sue's husband sees Jude and Sue yapping together, he has to admit that they are lowkey perfect for each other. Jude and Sue technically never get married, but you can argue that they are more married than anyone else in the book is if you use love to define marriage rather than a piece of paper. By the way, what is the Milton quote that Hardy includes as an epigraph in this book? It's this one: 

“Whoso prefers either Matrimony or other Ordinance before the Good of Man and the plain Exigence of Charity, let him profess Papist, or Protestant, or what he will, he is no better than a Pharisee.” — John Milton, quoted by Thomas Hardy

This is a truly based quote. And I don't think anything more based about marriage has been said than this in the entire history of western thought, except for maybe that thing that Nietzche said about marriage being a long conversation. That was pretty based too. However, I have not actually read Nietzche's Human, All Too Human yet so I don't have much context for that. What I can tell you is that Milton and Hardy are based and 100% correct about marriage. If you don't think that whatever Jude and Sue have is a love that is higher than marriage, you are basically a Pharisee (by which Milton means someone who cares more about the law than what is actually right)!!!!!

 

Middlemarch -- The Hopepill 

Middlemarch is the novel that made me end a relationship. I know I said Jude is my favourite novel of all time, but Middlemarch is a close second. I love how this novel basically has two stories going on at once. Dorothea, the protagonist, is in an unhappy marriage with an old scholar named Casaubon. At first, Dorothea thinks Casaubon would be a good match because she wants to be with an intellectual guy who she admires. She thinks she can help him with his scholarly work. However, Dorothea comes to the nasty realization that Casaubon has no admiration for her even though she is an intelligent woman. He has no interest in her inner life, but she remains devoted to him out of a sense of duty. Dorothea has a literary foil, or a character who is in a very similar circumstance as her, named Lydgate. Lydgate is a doctor who is very passionate about his work, but his wife Rosamond doesn't respect his passion. She rejects Lydgate's interest in the medical field, making Lydgate himself feel rejected, unhappy, and resentful. Dorothea and Lydgate both want to be valued for their minds, but their partners do not offer this to them. My relationship reminded me too much of Dorothea and Casaubon's relationship, which is why I ended it. Eventually, Dorothea meets a man named Will Ladislaw who truly loves her soul!!! There's an unforgettable scene where Will Ladislaw and his friend are in an art museum where they see Dorothea. Ladislaw's friend, an artist, says he would paint Dorothea. And Ladislaw says what she really deserves is a poem about her, meaning that he deeply appreciates her non-physical attributes. He is captivated by her voice, soul, and mind. The most romantic scene ever is after Casaubon dies and Dorothea marries Will even though he's poor. 

Anyway, men shouldn't date Rosamonds and women shouldn't date Casaubons. 

While reading Middlemarch, I took pics of passages that had me howling and screaming and posted them on my one-person Discord server. I'll share some with you guys here. This is about how Rosamond was a terrible wife:

Also here is something I saved about some characters who had more minor roles in the story, Fred and Mary. Mary wanted to fix him so badly:

Anyway, Middlemarch is based. It is more hopepilled than Jude because of how Dorothea finds Ladislaw at the end who is basically a perfect man and marries him. 

Also, this is a meme I made. I posted this before. But here's a repost anyway.

Anna Karenina -- The Compromisepill 

Eventually when you're pondering about marriage, you arrive at the compromisepill. However, this is a hard pill to swallow and I lowkey didn't really swallow it yet ngl. 

My cat Mictlan is a Russian Blue, and so I thought it would be cool to take a picture of a Russian creature with a Russian book!! Lowkey Tolstoy should've added more creatures. There were horses though. 

Now, this is 800 pages about a woman cheating on her husband. Interestingly, I actually hated two other classic novels that were about women cheating on their husbands. One was Main Street by Sinclair Lewis and the other was Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert. I think the reason why I didn't like those books is because I thought the women were dumb and hard to sympathize with, even though their husbands were such mediocre men. The husbands in both Main Street and Madame Bovary were doctors who had no time for their wives. They were also lowkey kinda uncultured and didn't read enough poetry. However, their wives were also mediocre and I can't say I liked them much. But Anna is different. I loved Anna, idk. She was cool af and I understand why the young women in the novel like Kitty are captivated by her, and the men too of course. Her husband Karenin is very similar to the hubsands in Main Street and Madame Bovary. That is to say he is extremely mid. Anna wants a passionate love, and so she cheats on him with Count Vronsky, a handsome charming guy who I imagine had a great jawline. However, Vronsky never truly does value her. He sort of treats having her as a status symbol. You also see elements of the classic demand-withdrawal cycle in their relationship. 

Anna Karenina's plot structure is similar to Middlemarch because it sort of has two storylines in one. There's the Anna-Vronsky storyline and the Levin-Kitty storyline. This is kind of like how Middlemarch has Dorothea-Casaubon and Lydgate-Rosamond. I actually wonder if Tolstoy read Eliot. He probably did. I know he liked Dickens. 

Anyway, Vronsky doesn't truly love Anna's soul. There are times when he seems to, like after Anna recovers from a nearly fatal illness, but he mostly just seems like a hotter version of Karenin. Anna realizes that maybe it wasn't worth it. Meanwhile, Levin turns to God instead of turning to other women when he is unhappy in his own marriage.

The novel shows Levin as a noble character while Anna tries to fulfill her own desires instead of turning to spirituality. 

However, the genius of the novel is probably in that even though Levin is endorsed as morally superior, Anna is the more likeable character by far. Her intensity and passion makes her so much easier to sympathize with and relate to than Levin.

So if you fully swallow the Compromisepill, you could end up like Levin. And he is an admirable guy when it comes to morality. 

But Anna is more based, remember that! At what cost will you swallow the Compromisepill?

Here's a pic I took of a page from the book. Anna and Vronsky are quarrelling in this chapter. And I just thought Tolstoy did a 10000 times better job of describing "the demand-withdrawal cycle" than psychologists do. Take that, psychologists. Your field isn't a real science and it can be done better by writers of literary fiction. The demand-withdrawal cycle usually has a woman feeling unappreciated and demanding more from a man who then withdraws because he doesn't like the criticism. It had me howling and screaming when it happened to Anna and Vronsky.

Now, we are almost at the end of this post. I just wanted to end with a poem about the Marriage Trilogy. I chose juvenile rhymes and simple words on purpose to make it sound more like the style of a person who wouldn't read the Marriage Trilogy for some irony. Anyway, here it is:

A Poem I wrote about the Marriage Trilogy 

Long conversations between Jude and Sue

on matters that changed their entire worldview,

Perhaps you'll never know what that's like,

Philosophy taking over the night

Casaubon made Dorothea feel like

he was the sea, and her mind was a pool

until Ladislaw showed her what it was like

to actually be loved for her soul,

But they'll never say you're like him

Maybe you're like Count Vronsky

so handsome he made Anna Karenina

cheat on her husband and ruin her life,

All she wanted was love, 

though Vronsky didn't know how to do that right,

But her husband was not much better 

so she never satisfied her desires

Jude loved Greek and Latin

a poor boy who became a stonemason

just so he could have books 

And Lydgate was a doctor

who truly had a passion

but I'm not sure you know what that's like

any better than his wife did

Maybe that's why you can't love

a person that well either,

Jude and Levin and Ladislaw

could do it better

I don't even think you see

your lover is ensouled,

Ladislaw thought Dorothea's

beauty 

was too much for a portrait,

just right for poetry,

It would capture more of

her mind, her voice,

They say their love is beautiful

and in this one short life

I can't see the point

of being with you if

it doesn't feel like what they have,

So it can't be right

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

that's all, folks! I'll probably try to post something less lonelypilled next time.

im autistic

 

This is the meme my best fren Vicky sent me when I told her im autistic

Okay so I'm an autistic woman and I know we are less likely to get diagnosed as children than our Brothers in Autism because we are better at masking. But my parents, best friend, ex, etc. all thought I had the tism. My parents never tried to get me diagnosed though, and I'm gonna be fr I'm self-diagnosed with a score of 139 on the RAADS-R (suggesting very high likelihood though it's not confirmed) but it's kinda obvious at this point. I go to a school where the autism rate is very high (apparently quite common at high-ranking schools) but there is a 16 year waitlist for a diagnosis because basically everyone there thinks something is sus. I'm a grad student and during my training to become a teaching assistant, they told us about 30% of the undergrads at my school in the program I'll be teaching for are autistic or have ADHD (the actual rate may be higher because not everyone informs the schools that they have autism). And I'm a humanities student, so now imagine what the STEM autism rate is like lmao. I think the stereotype of an autistic person is still a boy who's a math prodigy, so autism is underdiagnosed in girls who have book addictions. Apparently people think autistic people don't like fiction because we are uncomfortable with ambiguity. I can't speak for all autistic people, but even though I really need direct communication during social interactions, I don't mind figurative language in books at all. I love a good metaphor in a poem, but not if you're trying to communicate how you feel to me please!!!! 

I also have very intense interests. It took my like 24 years of my life to realize that a lot of people don't. They don't really enter that flow state where they're obsessed with something and intensely concentrating on it. And that's just sad. 

I have a preference for routine so I can't deal with spontaneity. If a friend changes the time or location of a hangout on the day of the hangout, I have a minor crashout. Moving, travelling, etc. are like the worst things ever to me. 

I have sensory issues for loud noises, crowds, and bright lights. This means I basically have an old lady idea of fun. I just need tea, cats, and books to have a good time. Anything more than that has me overstimulated. I am also a clumsy person, not very athletic. 

I've struggled a lot with making friends in the past but when I finally did make close friends, almost all of them were neurodivergent. I always felt like I clicked better with people with autism or ADHD than with neurotypical people even back when I believed I was neurotypical. I also go to a school that is like one of the world's autism capitals, so it is statistically likely. 

A lot of people assume I'm introverted or I hate socialization, but I just hate surface-level interactions that seem that they don't like depth. I still value emotional closeness but don't get it from mid friendships. I've impulsively cut off friends before and had unstable relationships, leading me to think I might have BPD. But guess what? Masked autism in women is frequently misdiagnosed as BPD! And I haven't displayed any BPD symptoms within the last year, a year that I have spent surrounded by neurodivergent people, leading me to believe that the unstable relationships were simply just caused by not being with the right people. 

Everything makes sense now!!!!!

Printable activities for Snekcoatl fans (including self-care bingo card drop for Improovers!!!!)

What's up fam? Yer girl had a birthday party recently, and one of the activities I had my frens do when they came over to my place was a printable wordsearch I made. If you would like to find the names of mythological snenkes from all over the world, here is a link to the pdf: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1WmSnduoP4adBo4SCpItvKOWVT6T5V4qU/view?usp=sharing 

Also, for those of you who are Improovers (people obsessed with self-improvement), I have decided to make a self-care bingo card. You can print this out or post this on your Instagram story. Here is the link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1NU3Vk0407TZyWSLQr34i3TD9NYH7wbxu/view?usp=sharing 

Have fun improving, frens!!!!!!

The cards speak to me! (yer girl is lowkey the oracle of delphi)

 What's up fam? It's yer girl. I wanted to tell you guys about how much I love oracle cards and how much I have benefited from them on my healing journey. I know what y'all are thinking "now wait a minute snekgirl, I didn't know you were one of those new age spiritual types. I thought you were an atheist!" And that is true. But rather than thinking of oracle cards as a way of connecting to a higher power, you can think of them as connecting to your own intuition if you're an atheist. This is why I encourage people to use oracle cards. If people in your life treat you as if you're still a child who doesn't know what's good for you, if they act like they think you don't know how to make decisions by yourself, then oracle cards can feel very empowering because they remind you that you know yourself best. They encourage you to take matters into your own hands instead of being passive when a problem or uncertainty arises in your life. They will train you how to listen to your gut feelings again, the way you used to before society gaslighted you. 

Oracle card decks can be expensive (although the art on them tends to be exquisite, so it's worth it imo) but there are free online ones, and some new age cafes have oracle cards you can use for free as well. I have the Sufi wisdom oracle, but honestly I prefer the Starseed oracle and Kuan Yin oracle. 

Since I like art, folklore, and writing inspirational messages for people, I am also thinking of making my own oracle cards and posting them online for people to use. 

Before shuffling the deck, say a prayer to yourself. This can be an actual prayer if you're religious. If you're not, think of any deity that is relevant to you but imagine it as the manifestation of an abstract concept rather than thinking of praying to a being that exists. It could be any concept that is relevant to the question you want to ask the cards about. 

For example, if I need refuge from particularly disturbing thoughts that day, I pray to Santa Muerte. She's a skeleton, but her embrace is warm. And she offers protection for those fearing violent deaths, or those who simply have no one else to turn to. If I'm stagnating on creative growth, I think of Xochipilli, "the prince of flowers" as he symbolizes the springtime and that is the time of growth and renewal so I think of it as the season of creativity. If I want to turn to a protective, motherly figure who can also be fierce, I think of Sedna or Nuliajuk from Inuit beliefs. And if I want to do justice to a certain research topic and approach academics with integrity, I think of my favourite, Quetzalcoatl the Aztec god of wisdom. 

Of course, go with whatever speaks to you. Imagine Venus is you're trying to maximize enjoyment in a relationship. Imagine Mars if you're trying to rizz someone up, as he symbolizes action over passivity and courage over being a wimp. Those are just my suggestions. 

Once you've prayed, shuffle the cards slowly and allow yourself to put your trust in them or feel a connection to them. 

Now comes the time when you can ask the cards a question. Don't ask yes or no questions, and don't ask "am I right or wrong?" Ask things that are more open-ended.

Questions that I have asked the cards:

1. How will pursuing a PhD change me as a person?

2. What challenges lay ahead of me as I am about to start a PhD?

3. I worry that I may stagnate when it comes to artistic pursuits. How can I prevent this?

4. How do I maximize enjoyment in a relationship for both me and my partner?

5. How do I heal from a breakup?

6. How does learning about a new language or immersing myself in a new culture change me as a person?

7. How will moving to a new country change me?

To answer a question, you could draw a single card. But I recommend using a spread if you want a more precise answer. One of my favourite spreads is laying out three cards in a row to represent the past, present, and future. You can draw a fourth card to add clarity to your reading. You can arrange 12 cards in a circle to do a yearly forecast. Every oracle card deck is different, but they all come with guidebooks. The guidebook is indispensable! It will tell you card meanings and suggest spreads. Some guidebooks will give you alternate meanings for if you draw a card upside down. Others may offer separate meanings for if you draw a card for a "personal question" or a "relationship question." Some will add a prayer for you to say or a type of meditation to try. 

Tarot cards generally have more intricate spreads, and an experienced tarot reader won't need a guidebook. But for oracle cards, you do need one. 

Once you flip over the cards in your spread, you can start interpreting their meaning. The guidebook will help with this. 

Here are some examples of things that the cards have told me:

• I possess great creativity and the ability to love deeply and I need to protect these parts of my identity while pursuing a PhD
• I will need to work very hard (getting in was hard, but staying in is also not easy lol)
• I need to seek collaboration on my creative projects
• When in a relationship, I need to focus on enjoying the present moment instead of worrying about the future. 
• If I try my best in a relationship, the breakup will be easier to deal with because I will know that I did all that I could have done. 
• I will become better at strategic and analytical thinking, problem solving, and taking action if I learn a new language
• When I move to another country, I need to let go of my emotional baggage and any negative vestiges of my past life

These are all great answers, and I am glad the cards spoke to me!

I hope y'all will give oracle cards a try. 

Wolverines are the most relatable animal!

I'm going through a Wolverine Phase right now. Basically, I just think wolverines are super relatable. They are insatiable and they are always looking for food because of their fast metabolism they’re always hungry. And their genus and species are both “gulo” because it means glutton in Latin. People with BPD have chronic feelings of emptiness and are prone to binge eating and substance abuse so that’s why it’s a relatable creature. I have long suspected that I have BPD.

Also, I read a story about the wolverine in the book "Ojibway Heritage" by Basil Johnston. Basically, the wolverine was not happy with the attributes that Gichi-Manitou (the Creator) had given him. He wanted the gifts of other animals. He envied their speed, strength, size, etc. Gichi-Manitou punished him for his ingratitude. This is why the wolverine is a solitary animal now. No other animal wants to be around it. The Creator cursed the wolverine with loneliness. I really like Basil Johnston's retellings of Ojibwe stories. I have read his other books "The Manitous" and "Moose Meat and Wild Rice" as well. I am going to read the book "Ojibway Ceremonies" soon, which my Discord e-boy bought for me. Basil Johnston also writes in Anishinaabemowin (the Ojibwe language), which I am trying to learn. Once I "get good," I should be able to read his Ojibwe language books too. 

By the way, the word for wolverine is gwiingwa'aage in Ojibwe. I really want to know what this word means (in most Ojibwe words you can break them down into morphemes to find out what a word really means). For example, one of my teachers mentioned that the morphemes that make up "ajidamoo," the word for "squirrel," can be found in the words "ajidagoojin" (animate intransitive verb) which means "he or she hangs upside down" and in "amo" (transitive animate verb) which is "he or she eats an animate being" so ajidamoo may refer to one who eats while hanging upside down. Can gwiingwa'aage be broken down into something? I will probably ask one of my teachers. Stay tuned to find out what they say. 

I hope that poets of all languages will make use of the wolverine more as a symbol of being bonkers and unhinged, as it has great potential as a symbol. 

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

How low self-esteem affects social interactions

 This is how it works. You have low self-esteem, so you think that means you're inherently unworthy. You think you are inferior to whoever you are trying to be friends with, so you try to make up for it by acting extremely devoted and self-sacrificing for them. You idolize them and don't realize that this prevents a genuine connection from forming. When the person starts pulling away, you think it's because you're not cool or smart enough (even though the person probably did think you were cool to begin with, that's why they were hanging out with you). You may not realize the issue was with how you were making them uncomfortable by expressing affection in an inappropriate way. 

Some ways to fix this issue in your social life are the following (I suggest combining all 3 methods):

1. Tone down extreme displays of affection

2. Find people who have a higher tolerance level for extreme displays of affection and befriend them instead of people who find them off-putting

3. Work on your self-esteem so you don't feel the need to act so devoted to others without their reciprocity 

This advice can apply to both love and friendship. When it comes to love, you should also try to remember that love isn't just an experience you have in your mind alone. It needs to involve two people who are willing to build a relationship together. If you tend to spend years in limerence or one-sided love (as many people with low self-esteem do) then you need to remind yourself that real love is possible and it will feel even better. Not to get all NSFW, but limerence is only related to love as much as masturbation is related to sex. Reality is actually better than fantasy, but if you use fantasy to cope with your mental health issues then it can be hard to see that.

Now, you may be thinking "Okay, so now I know why it's important to work on my self-esteem. But how do I do that?" My other post on a simple life hack you can use to try developing self-esteem may help you. Here's the link to it if you want to check it out: https://freyathefrypan.blogspot.com/2024/08/life-hack-for-developing-self-esteem.html

I hope this helps!!

Life Hack for Developing Self-Esteem

One of the reasons why it's important to develop healthy self-esteem is because it helps you connect better with other people. Basically, you won't see others as being better than you. So you'll learn to express your affection for them in a way that doesn't seem like you're worshipping them (this would also be annoying or uncomfortable for a lot of people!) You will be able to call them out when they make mistakes as well. 

A lot of people may lose interest in being friends with you if you express affection in a way that feels stifling to them. This doesn't mean that they don't think you're cool or interesting, but they may feel overwhelmed by you. You need to remember you're inherently worthy. Your worth isn't based on your productivity, "coolness," etc. If you are simply existing without harming anyone, you deserve a certain level of respect and consideration. You certainly do not need to act self-sacrificing for anyone in order to get them to like you. 

So now that we've been over why it's important to have a healthy self-esteem, here's my life hack for how you do it:

You need to change your internal narrative to be less negative by talking to yourself the way you would to a close friend. A close friend who you have a healthy, stable, mutually beneficial relationship with. Or alternatively, talk to yourself the way they talk to you and try to internalize their voice. The negative voice you have in your head right now possibly reflects the voice of people who bullied, abused, neglected you or hurt you in some other way.

Some things that my close frens do for me:

-Shower me with love and affection even when I have not done anything for them that directly benefits them 

-Call out harmful behaviors and actions in a way that criticizes the action itself, not me as a person. They don't judge to the conclusion that I'm a horrible person!!

-Encourage me to stay motivated and focused 

-Celebrate small and big wins

So I can internalize these things by talking nicely to myself in my head but also calling myself out and being real with myself when I'm doing something sus.

This will overall lead to a more positive and less doompilled narrative.

This hack is very effective. However the limitation is that you do need to have friends in order for this to work. Good friends who you feel connected to. Because self-love doesn't occur in a vacuum and you kind of do need to know what it's like to be treated well by friends who love you so that you can treat yourself that way. I don't know how you'd be able to do it the other way around, so it's important not to shut yourself out from making friends.

However, if you are having trouble making friends to begin with, I will probably write another post on that soon. It can be tricky because you need to learn when a friendship isn't working and you might need to cut that person off, but also when you might be catastrophizing a fixable issue and you shouldn't sabotage the friendship by ending it without assessing the situation properly. But more on that later. For now, I hope you'll consider what I said about the life hack. 

I started playing Habitica again + Mental health update

 So I made a list of mental health rules to follow for the rest of the summer. I'll reiterate them in this post:

1. No irl venting

2. No ventposting online

3. Go outside at least once a day

4. Go further from home at least once a week

5. No contacting the forbidden person on forbidden days

I'm doing okay with these so far. I did vent a little bit to my parents and regretted it. I'll avoid that from now on. Also I went to the mall with my friend and I didn't really vent to her, but I did tell her about a problem I was having and she said some comforting words that really helped. And she was being really calm and level-headed about it, so she didn't suggest that I needed to take any extreme course of action to make myself feel better about it. So I think what I said to her was not truly venting, so I won't consider that a violation of the rules. If it actually makes both me and the other person feel better after talking about it, it's probably not venting. 

About the no ventposting rule... I've been good with it but I noticed I still interact with other people's ventposts online. It's better not to engage with these. And I really think there should be a sixth "no doomscrolling" rule. But it's easier to remember 5 rules than 6. 

I've mostly been good with going outside. I didn't do that yesterday though. A five minute walk outside counts, but I didn't do that. 

The mall trip with my friend counted as #4. However, in the original post about the rules, which you can read here: https://freyathefrypan.blogspot.com/2024/06/mental-health-tips-i-will-follow-for.html I said that these trips that are a further distance away from home must be done alone. Before going to the mall that day, I did go to the library and get a bunch of relevant books for my research though. And I looked through them while waiting for my friend. So I think I spent a sufficient amount of time away from home while being alone.

And then we come to Rule 5. I thought this one would be the hardest, but it has actually been really easy so far. The Forbidden Person is forbidden only on weekends. I can still yap to them on other days. And I have known this person long enough to understand their texting style, so their texting does not feel unpredictable or cause me anxiety on other days. 

Anyway, to help me out with following these rules I've started playing Habitica again. I recommend the app on your phone but right now I'm just using the desktop site habitica.com and it's great. Basically, you tell the app what healthy habits you are trying to cultivate and what you are trying to stop. You can also add a to-do list and "dailies" (these are tasks you have to do every day, like going outside at least once for me. Or doing my Duolingo Spanish lesson). You will be rewarded by in-game currency which you can spend on fancy accessories for your character and also on creatures. You can feed the creatures and they can grow into mounts for your character to ride on. It's pretty based. I would recommend it.

I literally used to use Habitica in high school to motivate me to do my homework and now I have returned to it as someone who lowkey has a masters degree but still doesn't have their life together lmao. 

Anyway, I'll keep you updated on how this goes for me.

Mental health tips I will follow for the rest of the summer

1. No venting to people I know

2. No ventposts on social media 

3. Go outside at least once a day (alone)

4. Go somewhere further away from home once a week. Like about a one hour driving distance. (Make sure you are alone)

5. If you are overly attached to someone, pick two days of the week where you are not allowed to contact them. 

13 things I like about myself

1. I have an honours degree with a high gpa from one of the best universities in my country

2. I was able to maintain a bunch of close, extremely wholesome friendships from high school by being a loyal fren!! They all regularly talk to me and express how much they value me. 

3. I make very cool drawings of women in traditional clothing and animal-human interactions!! 

4. I am the best walker in my Pacer app group. I get at least 10,000 steps a day and I am defeating my worst enemy. 

5. I did my first 5 km run this month and had a great time! Met some cool people through it. 

6. I won a scholarship for my masters!!!! It covers my whole tuition. 

7. I have great taste in music (extremely cultured) and I go to live medieval and renaissance concerts. 

8. I don't get nervous during public speaking because I know I sound based 

9. I stopped my nailbiting habit and I actually like how my nails look now!!!

10. I can pull off funky colourful hipster clothing and also light academia very well 

11. I am working hard to improve myself

12. I eat way less sugar now than I used to

13. I am making this list to help me with my self-esteem ❤️

feral screams

 my life is so messed up right now oh my god 

anyway, I'm gonna do some self-reflection rn. Basically like using my blog as a public diary. 

I've been starting to improve my physical health (going to the gym, eating healthier, remembering to take my vitamins, going to sleep at a reasonable time) and working towards some non-school related goals (like learning a new language). I've also been keeping up with studying so I can get good grades, but this is something I've always been good at. During my undergrad however, I was noticing that I was neglecting everything else in my life (friendships, health, hobbies, etc.) just to get good grades. It paid off, because I'm now in a masters program with a full scholarship. But I realized I can't continue my old ways. Lots of grad students have advised me that I need to figure out how to take care of my health if I want to be successful in grad school. If I keep pulling all-nighters, wasting time on social media, and eating a bunch of sugary and processed food, I'm probably not going to do as well. 

You might be wondering why I started off this post by saying my life is messed up. I've been a lot healthier lately than I have been in a long time. I woke up early this morning to hit the gym. Yesterday, I went on a run with some "frens" (more like colleagues since they were profs and grad students) and tomorrow I'm going on another run with this other "fren" (classmate). I always get enough sleep and feel well-rested. I've been eating lots of fruits and vegetables, and I've been keeping on top of all my readings even though it's a huge workload. I've also been reviewing Ojibway vocabulary every day. If y'all want to learn this language too, I recommend using the free lessons on https://ojibwe.net/. It's been so nice to just have a random hobby like this that can satisfy my yearning and hunger for beauty and interrupt the horrible unbearable boringness of my everyday life. Learning about cultures, languages, or art really fills the void in me. Or at least almost does. 

The truth is, I've been feeling calmer over all and have less days where I burst out into tears for no reason (although this still happens sometimes). But I wouldn't say my mental health has really improved. I've become so good at instilling habits that will make my life better. I have a haircare and skincare routine. I usually review my Ojibway vocabulary flashcards in the morning (and do longer practice sessions once a week or so). I make sure my breakfast includes healthy carbs so I can have energy for the whole day. But I still don't have the thing that I really want, which is an emotional support system. Like bruh, I literally just want friends. Friends with common interests who value me, who initiate plans, who are good at texting back. 

I also found that when I religiously focus on school, health and hobbies, there's pretty much no time left over to socialize. Sure, I have study seshes or workout seshes with my "buddies," and I have some old friends who I text sometimes, but I still feel so hopelessly alone, disconnected from the world and isolated. To be honest, I don't know how much of feeling lonely is real and how much of it is just in my head. But I literally feel like no one would really care if I died tomorrow. This may just be in my head though, I have no idea. 

During my undergrad, I tried so hard to make friends and it never worked out. Now, I'm not even trying any more because I've been hurt so much by social rejection already. I just do workout or study seshes with people, and if we have a break during our lectures I'll ask someone how they are. That's pretty much it. Maybe I shouldn't be complaining, cause there are probably people who are getting even less social interaction than I do. 

My chronic loneliness is making me really sad. No matter how much I try to ignore it and not think about it and focus on other things, I still feel really empty. I don't let the sad feelings consume me or prevent me from doing what I want any more though. My melancholy hasn't gone away, I've just become stronger and better at handling it. 

The yearning for beauty, art, and culture is also a yearning for love, whether platonic or romantic. I want friendships that are super supportive and wholesome and emotionally passionate and don't just feel like regular "frens" or classmates. It's so cursed that I grew up in a boring Canadian suburb and now I live in some dreary grey city for school and everyone is like a NPC and nothing is beautiful or special around here.

welp, i gotta study now. lmao bye.

Daily Gratitude Post

 I feel like such a NPC doing this, but lets just give this a try. You know how some people think writing down stuff you're grateful for makes you feel better about yourself? It used to make me feel worse because of my low self-esteem. I'd be like "wow I don't deserve any of these nice things in my life." But then I tried to put a spin on it and make it about self-gratitude. That kind of helps. Think of it as writing down things you like about yourself, or thanking yourself for doing things that will make life easier for the future you. Here are 5 things I'm grateful for today:

1. I moved into my dorm this week and everything went smoothly. It's so cozy and nice here.

2. I'm grateful for the view outside my window fr because I can see trees :o 

3. I'm proud of myself for remembering to eat my vitamin D supplement this morning!!!! 

4. I'm grateful that I did the readings for my class on Friday lmao

5. I'm grateful that my interactions with my roommates were normal and not sus!!

That's all for now. I'll try to write down 5 things daily and then see if my mood improves. 

black and white thinking

This is so random but I have realized that I need to get out of black and white thinking. I don't know how to. It is so much easier said than done. And I'm so used to black and white thinking that it almost feels like I'm betraying myself by giving up an important part of my personality if I stop thinking this way.

I see people who I meet as good or evil. If I view them as good, I idolize them and form unhealthy and obsessive attachments to them. If I see them as evil, I demonize them. The problem is that I can switch up on people pretty fast if I feel like they are not reciprocating the care and attention I give them (and of course they can't reciprocate, because I like them way too much. Not a normal regular healthy amount you're supposed to like someone). So they always end up being demonized in my head.

Ironically, I'm also an academic. I chose this path because I love nuance. I love shades of grey. I gain so much more from studying all aspects of a culture I am interested in, the good and the bad, than I would from romanticizing that culture. One of my favourite professors told me "never romanticize precolonial societies." I thought that was really wise, and I do not think it means ignoring the atrocities committed under colonialism.

So now I'm just wondering, if I can appreciate the shades of grey in societies or cultures why can't I do the same for individuals?

Anyway, these are just some night time thoughts. I have to go now because I have to sleep and I have a stupid French exam tomorrow. I will be wondering what the gender of a washing machine is or something like that.

Before I go, here is a random drawing I made of a girl with turkeys. I love turkeys. I have never actually seen them in real life, though unfortunately, my worst enemy has.