sadposting

This isn't about the quarantine, just to clarify. I was depressed long before the quarantine started. My depression hasn't gotten any better or worse as a result of quarantine. It just stayed the same as always. 

There are episodes of extreme sadness and emotional distress. Crying, feelings of worthlessness, guilt, self-hate, etc. But usually it's just dull. And I feel emotionally numb, incapable of feeling anything most of the time. Food is without flavour, life is without colour. Until those episodes where I suddenly have too many feelings to handle. 

I wrote a short story/stream of consciousness thing about what my day to day life with Major Depressive Disorder is like, if you would like to read it here: http://freyathefrypan.blogspot.com/2020/04/the-prisoner-short-story.html 

Usually people will tell you to go to therapy or take meds. I wish it were that easy. I've tried both therapy and meds and they seemed to have no effect on me whatsoever. Like I said, it never gets better or worse. It just stays the same. 

I do have some coping methods for anyone going through the same thing as me. Please note that these are not "cures" by any means. But they've helped me, so they might help you. 

1. Keep your schedule full to the brim. Get a planner and write down everything you'll be doing each week.

I always prefer using planners, agendas, mini-calendars, etc. rather than phone apps. But you can use whatever you want. Basically try to minimize your free time, because that's when the bad thoughts come up (they are the worst for me at night, because at night I have no plans. Nights are unbearable sometimes). 

Some words of caution about this tip:

• Stuff to add to your schedule if there's a pandemic and you can't go out: Zoom conferences, online book clubs, livestreams, artistic hobby related events (like e-concerts, e-art exhibits, etc). For writers I recommend organizations like https://writetheworld.com/ (lots of quarantine cash grab opportunities on the site if you win writing contests) and https://inkspire.org/ If you are into politics and are left-leaning or a socialist, I recommend these online events: https://springmag.ca/events
• The side effect is that if events get cancelled, or if something unexpected happens and your schedule doesn't work or you feel burnt out and don't want to add more events to your calendar, it leads to extreme anxiety. When I can't meticulously plan things, I go completely insane because I feel like I have no control over my life. 

2. Journalling or blogging 

Okay I know this one sounds like a stupid tip your therapist gives you that doesn't actually work, but for me it does. Journalling regularly helps you find patterns in your life. Ever feel sad or happy inexplicably? Journalling helps identify the root causes behind your emotions sometimes. I find that I am absolutely horrible at decision making and make awful, impulsive, reckless decisions sometimes that mess up things for me. Journalling helps make decisions easier and weigh the consequences of your actions, such as how they will impact other people. 

Warning: Try not to do those gratitude journal "write 3 things that you're grateful for everyday" exercises. In my experience, they don't help at all and make me even more miserable. (If you have low self-esteem, your brain will say "You don't deserve any of these nice things." What does work sometimes are self-gratitude exercises (writing things about yourself that you like). But this is often very difficult for a depressed person to do. 

Also while blogs are relatively private since no one reads blogs these days, they are still on the internet. So be careful about what you post. Although I would say you need less caution than you do on social media. 

3. Use timers for productivity 

Do you have empty days where you accomplish absolutely nothing? Setting timers can help you stay focused. Remember, if you have a big test the next day, 15 minutes of studying the night before is way better than no studying at all. Although of course ideally several hours spaced out over the course of the week would be preferred. But don't be too hard on yourself, just be the right amount of hard on yourself. 

I use the app called Forest. It's very simple. You just set a timer for the duration you want to stay focused. I usually do half an hour to an hour. Once you are done, the Forest app will give you a virtual tree to plant in the forest. This helps you track how long you've focused for over the course of a week. 

4. Have long conversations with people 

If you have trouble socializing as a result of your depression, small talk is hell. Interacting with people who you don't know very well also sucks, as you constantly feel anxiety about if you will accidentally scare people away or creep them out because you're a weirdo who doesn't know how normal people are supposed to behave. 

Instead, you should talk to people who care about you. Have long convos (texting is fine, but calls and video chats are very nice especially during the pandemic) about meaningful topics that you actually care about. Even the most introverted people need some human connection. Seriously, human beings are social creatures. A baby can literally die if it's not hugged enough. 

5. You can't hug anyone right now because of quarantine, but if you have a dog or cat you can hug them 

You just need some physical affection sometimes. I strongly believe that touch is a basic human need. I wouldn't say sex is, but if you're craving sex I'm going to assume what you're really craving (most of the time) is actually just human connection/physical intimacy. Unless if you're just horny, which is valid too. 

6. Remember the things that you're passionate about

Okay if you're depressed, chances are you are losing interest in things that you once found enjoyable. So I completely understand if even the things you love don't really appeal to you anymore. But it helps to just remind yourself of them and stay connected to them in small ways. 

You'll have to discover your passion on your own. I can't really give you any advice for that. But a good question to ask is "If I didn't get any clout for it, would I still do it?" and sometimes "If I didn't get any money for it, would it still be fun?" 

Here are some things that I'm passionate about:

• Ancient history (especially Mesoamerican history) 
• Creative writing (both poetry and prose)
• Drawing 
• Sewing and embroidery 
• Vegetarian and vegan cuisine 
• Hinduism (I'm not religious by any means, but this is a religion which I enjoy learning about) 
• Learning about First Nations, Indigenous rights activism, etc. 

Thanks for reading, folks. I hope this was somewhat helpful. If you have any other suggestions, feel free to leave a comment.