How low self-esteem affects social interactions

 This is how it works. You have low self-esteem, so you think that means you're inherently unworthy. You think you are inferior to whoever you are trying to be friends with, so you try to make up for it by acting extremely devoted and self-sacrificing for them. You idolize them and don't realize that this prevents a genuine connection from forming. When the person starts pulling away, you think it's because you're not cool or smart enough (even though the person probably did think you were cool to begin with, that's why they were hanging out with you). You may not realize the issue was with how you were making them uncomfortable by expressing affection in an inappropriate way. 

Some ways to fix this issue in your social life are the following (I suggest combining all 3 methods):

1. Tone down extreme displays of affection

2. Find people who have a higher tolerance level for extreme displays of affection and befriend them instead of people who find them off-putting

3. Work on your self-esteem so you don't feel the need to act so devoted to others without their reciprocity 

This advice can apply to both love and friendship. When it comes to love, you should also try to remember that love isn't just an experience you have in your mind alone. It needs to involve two people who are willing to build a relationship together. If you tend to spend years in limerence or one-sided love (as many people with low self-esteem do) then you need to remind yourself that real love is possible and it will feel even better. Not to get all NSFW, but limerence is only related to love as much as masturbation is related to sex. Reality is actually better than fantasy, but if you use fantasy to cope with your mental health issues then it can be hard to see that.

Now, you may be thinking "Okay, so now I know why it's important to work on my self-esteem. But how do I do that?" My other post on a simple life hack you can use to try developing self-esteem may help you. Here's the link to it if you want to check it out: https://freyathefrypan.blogspot.com/2024/08/life-hack-for-developing-self-esteem.html

I hope this helps!!

Yer girl is reflecting on life

Alright so basically, I go to a university that is known for having a very depressed student population. Almost all the posts on our subreddit or on our Instagram confession pages are from students saying they are lonely, have no friends, have no rizz, hate their life, want to die, etc. I am now doing my masters, and it appears that most of these posts are from undergrads. I used to be a depressed undergrad at this institution too, so I know what it's like. I am a lot happier in grad school, but I still struggle sometimes.

I don't have the solution to this issue. I just want to explain why this stuff is difficult to address, and why it is really hard to try to give advice to these students. Obviously, this is a major systemic issue. On a societal level, people are more depressed and lonely now and it's not their fault. It's because of economic factors outside of their control. 

Another thing that is worth mentioning is that the advice that is given to these lonely students is straight up contradictory in nature. On the one hand, they are told to join clubs, talk to people in their classes, maybe use dating apps if they want to rizz people up, etc. On the other hand, they are told that they should focus on The Grind, that happiness comes from within, not from your relationships with people and that they should be happy single and they shouldn't even rely on their friends for happiness. To me it seems like "human beings are social creatures and need community to be happy" and "happiness comes from within. learn to be self-reliant" are completely contradictory and irreconcilable pieces of advice. 

And I really don't know which is the correct path if you had to choose one of those. Sometimes hanging out with friends is the best thing ever and I feel like it heals me or makes life seem worth living, but sometimes I also find myself very disappointed with certain people and wonder why I even made the effort to be their friend and how I would have been better off just spending that effort on myself, not others. Sometimes focusing on my hobbies and The Grind and just ignoring everyone makes me feel really happy and satisfied, and I impress myself with how productive I am. Other times it's like "man preparing for this conference is so much work. I wish I could hang out with my homies instead."

I'm still trying to find a balance between socializing and focusing on The Grind that works for me. It's honestly easier said than done. 

One thing I've noticed though is that The Grind's results are a lot more predictable and reliable. If I work hard at learning a new skill, I kind of know that it's going to pay off. Meanwhile, if you invest time in a friendship or romantic relationship with someone, you have to do it knowing you're taking a huge risk. They might betray you, they might ruin your life, or in the best case scenario: they just leave you and it's pretty respectful and civil, but you still end up regretting all the time you wasted on them that you could have spent doing something else. We have a limited amount of time on this earth, and instead of hanging out with this person who ended up not being worth it, you could have been reviewing your Anki flashcards, or making art, or reading a book, or writing a blog post. Whatever it is that you consider being productive or fun. Is it really so wrong then for some people to just try to play it safe? If socializing is like gambling, can we really hate people who don't want to take the risk? You might "win big" by meeting someone great who likes and respects you, but is it really worth the time and effort when you could invest in a more stable stock? Idk.

Daily Gratitude Post

 I feel like such a NPC doing this, but lets just give this a try. You know how some people think writing down stuff you're grateful for makes you feel better about yourself? It used to make me feel worse because of my low self-esteem. I'd be like "wow I don't deserve any of these nice things in my life." But then I tried to put a spin on it and make it about self-gratitude. That kind of helps. Think of it as writing down things you like about yourself, or thanking yourself for doing things that will make life easier for the future you. Here are 5 things I'm grateful for today:

1. I moved into my dorm this week and everything went smoothly. It's so cozy and nice here.

2. I'm grateful for the view outside my window fr because I can see trees :o 

3. I'm proud of myself for remembering to eat my vitamin D supplement this morning!!!! 

4. I'm grateful that I did the readings for my class on Friday lmao

5. I'm grateful that my interactions with my roommates were normal and not sus!!

That's all for now. I'll try to write down 5 things daily and then see if my mood improves. 

I can no longer pretend I'm not depressed

 

My life is falling apart and it's literally a dumpster fire right now. The enemies praying on my downfall have won, and I can't say I didn't deserve this because I have committed sins that not even Allah can forgive. 

Anyway, at least school is starting soon so I can use homework to distract myself from how much everything sucks. Life is so hard as a vitamin D deficient person with high blood sugar who hates going outside and has severe attachment issues and back pain. I honestly feel like I have nothing to look forward to and that I hate everyone. I'm glad I have a decent therapist to help me with this stuff (after going through like 4 different therapists who didn't help). But it's not enough and every day is worse. I'm going to scream.

#NoSimpSeptember hasn't been going that well so far honestly. I'm not actually s*mping over anyone, I just haven't been using this time to be productive like I should. I have a research paper due soon that I still haven't finished (for the summer job I was doing) and I really wanted to finish it before sch**l started but I don't think I will now. So I will have to do that and school at the same time fml. 

Tomorrow I have a general orientation for grad students, and then I will have one for only people in my department. I wish I could say I'm excited. I guess I am a little. But mostly I am thinking about how I may not be able to make it out alive of such an ordeal and how I am scared to talk to people. 

I am going to go now since I don't think dwelling on my sadness is really helping with anything. I've been advised to have hope for the future rather than wallowing in self-pity but it's easier said that done. 

For now, yer girl has no hope, no energy, no self-esteem, no plans, no goals, and no hobbies other than brooding, pondering, languishing, bewailing, and bemoaning. 

There are actually good reasons for why you should care about your mental and physical health

If you hate yourself, you may be wondering "why does my mental or physical health matter?" You may think you don't deserve happiness so there is no point in trying to feel happier or healthier. I hate myself too so I understand both of these thoughts.

But there are actually very good reasons for why you should care about your mental and physical health. The two biggest reasons are explained below. 

1. You will not be productive 

Yes I know that you should not base your self-worth on your productivity. But I also know it's impossible not to do so. If I'm not productive, I feel like shit. If I'm productive, I still feel like shit but I have less time to dwell on my shitty feelings. So I guess it is better to be productive. If you don't care about your mental health, you will keep on making it worse for yourself instead of looking for ways to make it marginally better. If you don't care about your physical health, you will end up not getting enough sleep or doing other things that are bad for your health and then you'll get sick. And guess what? If you're sick, you can't be productive. And then you will hate yourself even more. And I agree it shouldn't be like this, because people are valuable and deserve happiness and love no matter how productive they are. But we are our own harshest judges. And the harsh judges inside us will not let us hear the end of it if we aren't productive. 

2. You will end up unintentionally hurting people who are close to you 

No matter how much you think you love others and hate yourself, your self-hatred will eventually make you project that hatred onto others. Especially people who remind you of yourself. Or people who love you. This can be like "oh I hate myself so I assume they are going to hate me too so I am going to ghost them so they don't have to deal with me" and then the people who actually do care about you will feel hurt because you ghosted them and assumed they didn't care about you when they did. This is a small example. But there are other ways that you can actually project self-hatred onto other people. 

So it's okay to hate yourself (well not really, but for the sake of this argument lets pretend it is) but you shouldn't hate other people. And unfortunately if you hate yourself, you do usually end up projecting the hatred on other people even if you think you're a good person and you would never do this. 

sadposting

This isn't about the quarantine, just to clarify. I was depressed long before the quarantine started. My depression hasn't gotten any better or worse as a result of quarantine. It just stayed the same as always. 

There are episodes of extreme sadness and emotional distress. Crying, feelings of worthlessness, guilt, self-hate, etc. But usually it's just dull. And I feel emotionally numb, incapable of feeling anything most of the time. Food is without flavour, life is without colour. Until those episodes where I suddenly have too many feelings to handle. 

I wrote a short story/stream of consciousness thing about what my day to day life with Major Depressive Disorder is like, if you would like to read it here: http://freyathefrypan.blogspot.com/2020/04/the-prisoner-short-story.html 

Usually people will tell you to go to therapy or take meds. I wish it were that easy. I've tried both therapy and meds and they seemed to have no effect on me whatsoever. Like I said, it never gets better or worse. It just stays the same. 

I do have some coping methods for anyone going through the same thing as me. Please note that these are not "cures" by any means. But they've helped me, so they might help you. 

1. Keep your schedule full to the brim. Get a planner and write down everything you'll be doing each week.

I always prefer using planners, agendas, mini-calendars, etc. rather than phone apps. But you can use whatever you want. Basically try to minimize your free time, because that's when the bad thoughts come up (they are the worst for me at night, because at night I have no plans. Nights are unbearable sometimes). 

Some words of caution about this tip:

• Stuff to add to your schedule if there's a pandemic and you can't go out: Zoom conferences, online book clubs, livestreams, artistic hobby related events (like e-concerts, e-art exhibits, etc). For writers I recommend organizations like https://writetheworld.com/ (lots of quarantine cash grab opportunities on the site if you win writing contests) and https://inkspire.org/ If you are into politics and are left-leaning or a socialist, I recommend these online events: https://springmag.ca/events
• The side effect is that if events get cancelled, or if something unexpected happens and your schedule doesn't work or you feel burnt out and don't want to add more events to your calendar, it leads to extreme anxiety. When I can't meticulously plan things, I go completely insane because I feel like I have no control over my life. 

2. Journalling or blogging 

Okay I know this one sounds like a stupid tip your therapist gives you that doesn't actually work, but for me it does. Journalling regularly helps you find patterns in your life. Ever feel sad or happy inexplicably? Journalling helps identify the root causes behind your emotions sometimes. I find that I am absolutely horrible at decision making and make awful, impulsive, reckless decisions sometimes that mess up things for me. Journalling helps make decisions easier and weigh the consequences of your actions, such as how they will impact other people. 

Warning: Try not to do those gratitude journal "write 3 things that you're grateful for everyday" exercises. In my experience, they don't help at all and make me even more miserable. (If you have low self-esteem, your brain will say "You don't deserve any of these nice things." What does work sometimes are self-gratitude exercises (writing things about yourself that you like). But this is often very difficult for a depressed person to do. 

Also while blogs are relatively private since no one reads blogs these days, they are still on the internet. So be careful about what you post. Although I would say you need less caution than you do on social media. 

3. Use timers for productivity 

Do you have empty days where you accomplish absolutely nothing? Setting timers can help you stay focused. Remember, if you have a big test the next day, 15 minutes of studying the night before is way better than no studying at all. Although of course ideally several hours spaced out over the course of the week would be preferred. But don't be too hard on yourself, just be the right amount of hard on yourself. 

I use the app called Forest. It's very simple. You just set a timer for the duration you want to stay focused. I usually do half an hour to an hour. Once you are done, the Forest app will give you a virtual tree to plant in the forest. This helps you track how long you've focused for over the course of a week. 

4. Have long conversations with people 

If you have trouble socializing as a result of your depression, small talk is hell. Interacting with people who you don't know very well also sucks, as you constantly feel anxiety about if you will accidentally scare people away or creep them out because you're a weirdo who doesn't know how normal people are supposed to behave. 

Instead, you should talk to people who care about you. Have long convos (texting is fine, but calls and video chats are very nice especially during the pandemic) about meaningful topics that you actually care about. Even the most introverted people need some human connection. Seriously, human beings are social creatures. A baby can literally die if it's not hugged enough. 

5. You can't hug anyone right now because of quarantine, but if you have a dog or cat you can hug them 

You just need some physical affection sometimes. I strongly believe that touch is a basic human need. I wouldn't say sex is, but if you're craving sex I'm going to assume what you're really craving (most of the time) is actually just human connection/physical intimacy. Unless if you're just horny, which is valid too. 

6. Remember the things that you're passionate about

Okay if you're depressed, chances are you are losing interest in things that you once found enjoyable. So I completely understand if even the things you love don't really appeal to you anymore. But it helps to just remind yourself of them and stay connected to them in small ways. 

You'll have to discover your passion on your own. I can't really give you any advice for that. But a good question to ask is "If I didn't get any clout for it, would I still do it?" and sometimes "If I didn't get any money for it, would it still be fun?" 

Here are some things that I'm passionate about:

• Ancient history (especially Mesoamerican history) 
• Creative writing (both poetry and prose)
• Drawing 
• Sewing and embroidery 
• Vegetarian and vegan cuisine 
• Hinduism (I'm not religious by any means, but this is a religion which I enjoy learning about) 
• Learning about First Nations, Indigenous rights activism, etc. 

Thanks for reading, folks. I hope this was somewhat helpful. If you have any other suggestions, feel free to leave a comment. 

Weekend Mornings

Numbing cold, 
slice of Hell, 
all alone, 
aimless, I dwell 

splitting headache, 
can't feel my ears, 
will I live to see 
another year? 

time is wasted, 
empty mind, 
hope is shattered 
but duty binds 

empty pages 
scattered books 
no answer for 
the help I took