I drew this at my best fren Vicky’s house while she was playing the piano

im autistic

 

This is the meme my best fren Vicky sent me when I told her im autistic

Okay so I'm an autistic woman and I know we are less likely to get diagnosed as children than our Brothers in Autism because we are better at masking. But my parents, best friend, ex, etc. all thought I had the tism. My parents never tried to get me diagnosed though, and I'm gonna be fr I'm self-diagnosed with a score of 139 on the RAADS-R (suggesting very high likelihood though it's not confirmed) but it's kinda obvious at this point. I go to a school where the autism rate is very high (apparently quite common at high-ranking schools) but there is a 16 year waitlist for a diagnosis because basically everyone there thinks something is sus. I'm a grad student and during my training to become a teaching assistant, they told us about 30% of the undergrads at my school in the program I'll be teaching for are autistic or have ADHD (the actual rate may be higher because not everyone informs the schools that they have autism). And I'm a humanities student, so now imagine what the STEM autism rate is like lmao. I think the stereotype of an autistic person is still a boy who's a math prodigy, so autism is underdiagnosed in girls who have book addictions. Apparently people think autistic people don't like fiction because we are uncomfortable with ambiguity. I can't speak for all autistic people, but even though I really need direct communication during social interactions, I don't mind figurative language in books at all. I love a good metaphor in a poem, but not if you're trying to communicate how you feel to me please!!!! 

I also have very intense interests. It took my like 24 years of my life to realize that a lot of people don't. They don't really enter that flow state where they're obsessed with something and intensely concentrating on it. And that's just sad. 

I have a preference for routine so I can't deal with spontaneity. If a friend changes the time or location of a hangout on the day of the hangout, I have a minor crashout. Moving, travelling, etc. are like the worst things ever to me. 

I have sensory issues for loud noises, crowds, and bright lights. This means I basically have an old lady idea of fun. I just need tea, cats, and books to have a good time. Anything more than that has me overstimulated. I am also a clumsy person, not very athletic. 

I've struggled a lot with making friends in the past but when I finally did make close friends, almost all of them were neurodivergent. I always felt like I clicked better with people with autism or ADHD than with neurotypical people even back when I believed I was neurotypical. I also go to a school that is like one of the world's autism capitals, so it is statistically likely. 

A lot of people assume I'm introverted or I hate socialization, but I just hate surface-level interactions that seem that they don't like depth. I still value emotional closeness but don't get it from mid friendships. I've impulsively cut off friends before and had unstable relationships, leading me to think I might have BPD. But guess what? Masked autism in women is frequently misdiagnosed as BPD! And I haven't displayed any BPD symptoms within the last year, a year that I have spent surrounded by neurodivergent people, leading me to believe that the unstable relationships were simply just caused by not being with the right people. 

Everything makes sense now!!!!!

Vicky is a demon who killed my firstborn son and tried to force me to eat human flesh (I still like her though)

I have to tell you guys about V*c, or "VickYYYyyYyyYyYY" as I like to call her. Many people believe she has been my best friend for 10 years, and this is true. But she has also been my worst enemy for 100,000 years. Allow me to explain the lore. 

The time Vicky killed my firstborn son 

Long ago I had a vendetta against a suburb. I hated it there, and I thought everyone there was super cringe. I hated them for scorning and excluding me for being weird, and I vowed to get revenge on the suburbanites. I summoned a powerful immortal demon named V*c by drawing this sigil and saying "shingo malingo tik" three times:

I called upon her to destroy the suburb for me, and she did. But she took my firstborn son as a sacrifice!!!! To this day, I don't know what she did to him. Perhaps his flesh was consumed.

Vicky tried to force me to eat human flesh

She asked me under what circumstance I would eat human flesh. I said no way, I ain't doing that. She asked me if I would do it out of curiosity to know what human flesh tasted like and I said no. She asked me if I would taste the flesh of a famous person. I said no. She asked me if I would taste lab-grown human meat cloned from the cells of a person who freely consented to have their meat eaten. I said no I still ain't doing that even if they signed a consent form. She asked me if I would do it for a university study on the effects of cannibalism on the body. I said no. Cope and seethe V*c, I will NEVER consume human flesh. 

Vicky tried to make me write a dissertation on centipedes, knowing that I hate them

Literally a whole ass dissertation. 80,000-100,000 words after many years of research. I told her I wanna write a lesbian romance novel that takes place in seventeenth-century New England (but nothing too spicy in there other than hand-holding). She asked me if I would rather add scandalous scenes to it (if you know what I mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) or write a whole ass dissertation on centipedes. I don't wanna mess up my creative vision. Also, lust is a sin. But apparently the sacrifice of my firstborn son wasn't enough for V*c and now I also gotta spend my intellectual labour on LEGGY BOYS.

After all of this, I still like V*c

she's still my homie and we are bros 4 life. it's a very complicated relationship. she has very cute eyes and a based sense of humour. she radiates joy and positivity and i am very lucky to have her in my life. i dont know what i'd do without her. even demons can be good people. ily V*c <3 

The Mysterious Manuscripts of Snekcoatl

 I am making this post to share some unpublished poems I found in a manuscript by a previously undiscovered author. This reclusive genius once roamed a part of the earth that used to be a boring suburb in the fallen state of Canada. Their name was "Snekcoatl," which is a really weird name. This manuscript was unearthed near a high school in the suburb that has the same name as the suburb. We've found artifacts from that high school too, which has been abandoned for some 500 years since The Incident. There were plaques from the English department of the high school commemorating the genius Snekcoatl, who was apparently a prodigy. There was also apparently a rival writer named V*c. Apparently she had strong ties to Snekcoatl, though it is unclear whether the two were the best of friends or the worst of enemies. 

Some other manuscripts unearthed in Tkaranto, the city that was then known as Toronto, suggest that Snekcoatl and V*c spent a brief part of their lives there. They could have been academic rivals in the academy that once stood there, competing for influence. We have some obscure and threatening letters from V*c that were sent to Snekcoatl. It appears that there was also a building at the institution named after V*c. 

Snekcoatl did not get the recognition that they deserved during their lifetime. But perhaps some of these poems will help to shed some light about what life was like in "Canada" before The Fall. So I am sharing them because they could be useful to historians, and also because they do a fine job of capturing the feeling of yearning and languishing, which appear to be the two main themes. 

Poems of Yearning

Snekcoatl's handwriting, though childish and messy, was not impossible for me to transcribe. The only thing that was really annoying to me as transcriber was that Snekcoatl did not attempt to give their poems respectable titles. And so the first one is simply called "Poem I wrote for a Femboy who made me lose #NoSimpSeptember (it's so over for me)." From this we can guess that the poet was unlucky in love. This one appears to be insulting the sun as a symbol of masculinity.

 You must have been starving where you were,

as you hungered for beauty,

you turned to the ancient, the flowery, the romantic,

when they wanted you to see the light of reason and become a critic,

I never wanted the splendid sun,

that ball of light,

nor the urns decorated with images of heroes, warriors,

the bold speeches of leaders that conceal wicked deeds,

the bloody conquests,

I only longed for the pale moon,

She's like you in your black gowns like raven's wings,

with your love most chaotic and unreasonable

Now for the historians rather than the literary critics reading this, 

we can guess from the reference to urns that Greco-Roman aesthetics 

still had some impact on the country that the poet lived in even though 

it was a rather uncultured society. It was still a part of western civilization, after all. 

Or perhaps it represents the poet trying to grasp at some semblance of culture 

even though they lived in a rather cultureless void. 

This next one is titled "when will exam season end i can't take this shit any more."

 The diligence of a scholar, 

 alienated from the world, 

 has resulted in a row of glittering prizes, 

 on the shelf, 

 perhaps I'm doing it all, 

 to feel worthy of you, 

 but I'm losing the game, 

 consumed by my reading during the day, 

 every night is the same, 

 I return to your arms in my dreams, 

 no matter how hard I try, 

 to forget you when I'm awake, 

 how do I forget you at night? 

 My longing for you, 

 is an animal within me, 

 desiring to escape civilization, 

 and lose itself in your wilderness, 

 sheltered by you,

 my refuge from the world, 

 the others desire glory and fame, 

 but you make me want to forget my own name

The pathetic simping of this poem can alert us of the 

economic system of the poet's society 

and how it caused humans to worry about 

The Grind over human connection. 

This is what resulted in the speaker's 

feelings of isolation. However, 

Snekcoatl was in some ways ahead 

of their time. 

They realized the value of nature 

over The Grind and the dreary 

colonial cities that once existed here. 

Fortunately, under The New World Order, 

we've allowed nature to reclaim many such areas.

Poems of Languishing 

I would like to shift the focus now to poems of languishing. Although they contain less simping, they are still a bit depressing. And they can teach us a lot about the lives of immigrants, which Snekcoatl certainly was. And about the kind of culture they were part of. 

This one is called "Quetzalcoatl (devotional)." From the title, we can guess where Snekcoatl gets their pen name from. We don't know their real name, but the name Snekcoatl was certainly inspired by this Aztec deity. It also references a gathering for Indian Muslims, and so it gives us a huge clue about what Snekcoatl's culture was. The whole poem seems to reflect a desire to escape from the boring suburb where they lived, to seek love and refuge elsewhere.

Under your soft wings

Watched by your

Eyes full of love

With pupils like slits

Sheltered in your green plumes

And your endless mercy

I remember at the majilis

They said there is a world

Beautiful beyond imagination

But they must have been mistaken

About the pomegrantes and date trees

Because I am certain they must have meant

Your land of cloud forests and quagmires 

The next one references Norse mythology and is called "conversing with the Fates." The language used here certainly seems conversational, I suppose. And it is natural for one living in a world with harsh winters to turn to Norse myths for references. 

 Oh, if there be Fates spinning my destiny, 

Then we must all be at their mercy,

Sitting under Yggdrasil, those ladies,

must not know how to continue my story,

Fates! What is this?

You are cruel ladies,

and I will never understand your ways

If all you can dream up is so outrageous,

so inconsistent with the past,

How can the trajectory of my life end up like this?

I've never been more certain that there are no gods.

The last thing that I'm going to say about this poet is that they were probably young when they wrote these. I would say not far into adulthood. Their invocation of the Fates may be because their life was unfurling in a way that they never would have imagined in their childhood. And they were shocked and disappointed by this. 

I will be back if I discover more manuscripts by this author. 

im still alive

 yo i havent updated this blog in two months because sch**l is literally k-wording me im so stressed aaaaaahhhh *ScrEAms* and I honestly don't even know what to write about but I just feel like I should update it because it's been two months and my last post was on a pretty cringe topic so I feel like I should write something more interesting this time to make up for it. No one actually reads my blog though so it doesn't matter. Okay um... how about this? I'll make a list of some things I've been thinking about these days and then I'll go through the list and talk about each thing. 

1. Historical time periods I am currently obsessed with 
2. How disappointed I am with the books I've had to read this year for sch**l 
3. My relationship ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
4. Songs I've been listening to 
5. How my writing hobby is going 
6. How much Vicky sucks (lmao if ur reading this hi Vicky) 

Okay so as you can see by the first item on the list, I'm going to be discussing historical time periods I am currently obsessed with. I basically go through phases like these where I get hyperfixated on stuff. So over the summer I read The Romance of Tristan and Iseult and Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. I became fascinated with Arthurian legend and decided to buy Le Morte d'Arthur by Thomas Mallory at the recommendation of one of my English professors when I asked him how I could learn more about this topic. There are like a million different adaptations of these stories, but I wanted to acquaint myself with the original myths first before reading the adaptations. The only problem is I haven't really had much of a chance to indulge my obsession because of sch**l taking up all my time and my essays and exams consuming my soul so I don't have time to read things I like anymore. The good news however is that I'm taking a course on medieval literature next semester. I've already had a look at the reading list and it includes Le Morte d'Arthur as well as some other texts I'm really looking forward to reading such as Pearl (written by the same anonymous poet who wrote Sir Gawain and the Green Knight) and the Book of Margery Kempe. I'll let you know how that goes. 

The other historical thing I'm obsessed with right now is Puritan New England. This is because for an American literature class I had to read The Scarlet Letter and a short story called Circumstance, both of which are set during this time period. I'm also helping one of my professors with some research right now on the history of female authors and one of the things I'm researching are captivity narratives written by white women who were kidnapped by Native American tribes. All this stuff has kind of captivated my imagination and just lives in my mind rent-free and I've even been thinking about writing my own historical fiction novel about the Puritans but for that I would have to do way more research because right now it's just a vague fascination. I'm probably going to re-read The Scarlet Letter and probably also check out that one short story everyone always talks about called Young Goodman Brown or something. 

This brings me to the next topic on the list, which is how I'm not really satisfied with the books I've had to read so far in school. It's not that I hated all of them. I actually enjoyed most of them. But I can't really said I've read anything that will be dear to me for my whole life or anything. At the beginning of 2021, I set my Goodreads target as 100 books. So far, I've only read 52. And the two books I enjoyed the most were The Song of Achilles and The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, neither of which were school books. I also have so many books that I really want to get to but I don't know if I'll have the time to because school is really frying my brain right now. I want to read Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia, The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie, Seven Fallen Feathers by Tanya Talaga, The Only Good Indians by Stephen Jones, The Dawn of Everything by David Graeber, and the list just goes on lol. 

That last book I mentioned was recommended to me by an e-girl, which brings me to topic number 3 on the list, my based e-girlfriend. I don't know if you recall my last post, but I had some vague yearning for the touch of a woman but also felt like I was too busy to have a relationship so didn't really want one but then i changed my mind lmao cause the girl I'm with right now is amazing. I will let u know more about her in a different post cause i should probably ask her how much she is okay with me sharing about her. 

Okay now I'm going to interrupt this post to recommend some bops because I've been listening to a lot of good music lately and I wanna recommend these songs to people. Here's a list of good songs:

1. Halloween by Faun 
2. The Dawning of the Day by Celtic Woman
3. Galdra by Faun 
4. Black is the Colour by Celtic Woman

Yeah it's all just Faun and Celtic Woman basically. 

How my writing hobby has been going 

It's been going alright I guess. The professor I'm working for wants me to contribute a chapter to her book. I'm planning to submit an essay to a literary criticism journal as well. I also wrote a poem for a magazine. And a vignette I'm using as a sample of my work to apply to a creative writing workshop I really want to get into. I also have an idea for an anthology of poems, but I don't have any time to work on that. I have no time to do things I actually like I stg.

And now to talk about my favourite topic on this list:

how much Vicky sucks 

So unfortunately i'm not good at socializing in real life so I probably have only like 2 friends irl. Maybe 3 if we stretch the definition of "friend" a bit. Unfortunatley one of the people who I became friends with is Vicky, and my life has not known peace since then. Every time I check my phone, I have like 49329904994 notifications from Vicky. She stalks me on Goodreads. She makes fake accounts on Twitter to harass me. She spams me random gifs on Discord. She's even worse than my crazy ex. She is deranged. She is like the trickster archetype from mythology. Like Loki. Like Coyote. Like Kokopelli. Vicky if you are reading this, u suk and u should seek help. That is all. 

Okay bye. 

I HAVE TO BEAT VICKY! ViCckckkYYYYYYyyyyy!

So I have a friend/archenemy Vicky or, as I like to call her: ViccKKKYYYYYyyyyyyYYy. Here is a drawing I made of her, in case you're curious what she looks like. It's super accurate:

ViCkKkYYyy and me are currently in the middle of a fierce battle. We both set our 2021 Goodreads reading challenge to 100 books! That's right, 100! We're trying to see which one of us has the bigger brain. 

I can't lose to someone like her. So I better get reading. 

ViCckkkYYY, if you're reading this, just know you're going to have to buy me a whole box of candy corn at the end of the year cause ur gonna lose.