feral screams

 my life is so messed up right now oh my god 

anyway, I'm gonna do some self-reflection rn. Basically like using my blog as a public diary. 

I've been starting to improve my physical health (going to the gym, eating healthier, remembering to take my vitamins, going to sleep at a reasonable time) and working towards some non-school related goals (like learning a new language). I've also been keeping up with studying so I can get good grades, but this is something I've always been good at. During my undergrad however, I was noticing that I was neglecting everything else in my life (friendships, health, hobbies, etc.) just to get good grades. It paid off, because I'm now in a masters program with a full scholarship. But I realized I can't continue my old ways. Lots of grad students have advised me that I need to figure out how to take care of my health if I want to be successful in grad school. If I keep pulling all-nighters, wasting time on social media, and eating a bunch of sugary and processed food, I'm probably not going to do as well. 

You might be wondering why I started off this post by saying my life is messed up. I've been a lot healthier lately than I have been in a long time. I woke up early this morning to hit the gym. Yesterday, I went on a run with some "frens" (more like colleagues since they were profs and grad students) and tomorrow I'm going on another run with this other "fren" (classmate). I always get enough sleep and feel well-rested. I've been eating lots of fruits and vegetables, and I've been keeping on top of all my readings even though it's a huge workload. I've also been reviewing Ojibway vocabulary every day. If y'all want to learn this language too, I recommend using the free lessons on https://ojibwe.net/. It's been so nice to just have a random hobby like this that can satisfy my yearning and hunger for beauty and interrupt the horrible unbearable boringness of my everyday life. Learning about cultures, languages, or art really fills the void in me. Or at least almost does. 

The truth is, I've been feeling calmer over all and have less days where I burst out into tears for no reason (although this still happens sometimes). But I wouldn't say my mental health has really improved. I've become so good at instilling habits that will make my life better. I have a haircare and skincare routine. I usually review my Ojibway vocabulary flashcards in the morning (and do longer practice sessions once a week or so). I make sure my breakfast includes healthy carbs so I can have energy for the whole day. But I still don't have the thing that I really want, which is an emotional support system. Like bruh, I literally just want friends. Friends with common interests who value me, who initiate plans, who are good at texting back. 

I also found that when I religiously focus on school, health and hobbies, there's pretty much no time left over to socialize. Sure, I have study seshes or workout seshes with my "buddies," and I have some old friends who I text sometimes, but I still feel so hopelessly alone, disconnected from the world and isolated. To be honest, I don't know how much of feeling lonely is real and how much of it is just in my head. But I literally feel like no one would really care if I died tomorrow. This may just be in my head though, I have no idea. 

During my undergrad, I tried so hard to make friends and it never worked out. Now, I'm not even trying any more because I've been hurt so much by social rejection already. I just do workout or study seshes with people, and if we have a break during our lectures I'll ask someone how they are. That's pretty much it. Maybe I shouldn't be complaining, cause there are probably people who are getting even less social interaction than I do. 

My chronic loneliness is making me really sad. No matter how much I try to ignore it and not think about it and focus on other things, I still feel really empty. I don't let the sad feelings consume me or prevent me from doing what I want any more though. My melancholy hasn't gone away, I've just become stronger and better at handling it. 

The yearning for beauty, art, and culture is also a yearning for love, whether platonic or romantic. I want friendships that are super supportive and wholesome and emotionally passionate and don't just feel like regular "frens" or classmates. It's so cursed that I grew up in a boring Canadian suburb and now I live in some dreary grey city for school and everyone is like a NPC and nothing is beautiful or special around here.

welp, i gotta study now. lmao bye.