Historically Inaccurate Movies (a foaming run-on sentence rant)

Happy Indian Independence Day (or at least it was August 15th when I started writing this post. IDK when I will actually finish it though). Mexican independence day is coming up next month on September 16th, amirite? Ask me which country I like better ;D . 

Welp fam, speaking of India, an awesome new historical movie has been released recently called "Mohenjodaro", with the leading roles played by Hrithik Roshan and Pooja Hedge. I saw it recently and honestly, I think it was the best movie ever. I loved every second of it. Even though there were probably a few inaccuracies (like with all historical movies) it's still worth a watch (like with all historical movies) ;D . 

A gr8 activity for an aspiring historian is to watch a historical movie and then spot all the historical errors and write a rant about it on their blog for their 26 followers to read ;D .

This emoji is getting annoying, isn't it? ;D I have a Danish internet friend who uses it alllll the tiiimee ;D ;D ;D. Cancerous. 

Before we get into talking about the 10 out of 10 Bollywood movie "Mohenjodaro", let me rant for a bit about historically inaccurate movies.

ALL THE MOVIES I HAVE EVER SEEN RELATING TO INDIGENOUS PEOPLE WERE HISTORICALLY INACCURATE AF AND THAT MAKES ME CRINGE.

Below are my comments on several popular historical movies, so that you can see what I mean: 

The Road to El Dorado 

Here is a cute edit made by one of my Romanian internet friends:

Throwback to when I used to adore things like this

Now not only was this movie inaccurate, it was also pretty racist if you think about it. Making the good guys in the movie two Spaniards and the evil character in the movie a Mayan priest was a baaaddd iddeeaaa. Also the female Mayan character in the movie was promiscuous AF with the Spaniards. WHY TF WOULD YOU MAKE A CHARACTER LIKE THAT? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY? at least name her "Malinche" then eh? Welp it was about the Mayans not Aztecs though. Also in this movie the Mayans thought the Spaniards were gods. This is not even close to anything that happened IRL. There's a popular misconception that is being spread online about how the Aztecs thought Cortes was Quetzalcoatl, but this is BS. Many indigenous people were nice to the Europeans though because they wanted to them to GTFO but didn't want to be violent. Take the Iroquois teaching Jacques Cartier and the French a cure for scurvy for example or the Taino being hospitable to Columbus and his crew. But no one thought anyone was a god, k? I will however give this movie credit for showing how beautiful pre-colonial Mesoamerica was. The characters could've been waaay better done though. The animation and music was pretty good too. 

 

Pocahontas (the first one that everyone knows and the lesser known sequel, "journey to a new world")

Okay is it just me or is Disney racist AF? Actually the Mexica Movement would agree with me according to this article, so I must be right! 

There are two conflicting accounts of what happens here. The first is that Pocahontas was only 12 when she met John Smith, which would make him a rapist. She was taken to England where she got her freedom after marrying another guy named John Rolfe. The second account is that Smith never actually met Pocahontas and just made the entire story up in one of his journals. He was very well-traveled. Disney got that right with one of their quotes I guess, "I've seen hundreds of New Worlds". And so he frequently wrote tales about meeting exotic women and having affairs with them. Does that sound like a weird pass-time to you? It's no different from my fanfictions, really. 

Not to mention the fact that Pocahontas was a Powhatan native, and there were a few words of a different language when the natives were speaking (I heard that from somewhere but I'm not sure, 'cause I'm no expert on native languages, so we'll let that pass.)

Hey I hate racist movies just as much as the next person, but you have to admit Pocahontas was an awesome character.

I loveeeee herrrr haaaiiiirrr.

*trichophilia intentifies* 

Shall I do a blog post on the meaning of the word "trichophilia"? No?

The second movie was very lackluster, thanks to the fact it was in London and London sucks. Apparently, it did not suck as much back when it was called Londonium.

I did like Rolfe better than Smith though. 

did I like him better because of his hair? Yes...yes I did.

He was so so soooooo painfully Tsundere though!!

The Emperor's New Groove

Not gonna lie, this was probably the most hilarious movie I have ever seen. It also had a hot AF protagonist WHO WOULD BE SO CUTE WITH CHEL FROM THE ROAD TO EL DORADO. 

WHO DID THE SHOPPING IT'S SO AMAZINGGGG GAWD 

This movie was also the most historically inaccurate thing I've ever seen though. Absolutely laughable. But you know what? I don't think they were actually trying. 'Cause if they were actually trying then this would be reallyyy pathetic: 

I guess it is a movie "vaguely based on the Incas because it has llamas" and not actually "based on the Incas". 

I'll let it slide though eh. Kawasachum Tawantinsuyu though. 

If you thought that was the gay pride flag and not the flag of Cusco...

well then um...

why are you on this blog?

Apocalypto

My American internet friend has made a shit-ton of fanart for this movie. Like actually she is addicted to that movie. This is literally her desktop wallpaper:

She even admins a Deviantart group for the movie. Join it ya degener8 plebeians: 

http://apocalypto-fanclub.deviantart.com/ 

The reason why it has only 9 members? well because LOOK AT THAT, THE DEVIANTS ARE BETTER AT TELLING WHICH MOVIES ARE RACIST AND SHOULDN'T BE PROMOTED THAN YOU ARE.

OH MY GOD, OKAY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE WORKED SO HARD ON RESEARCHING THE YUCATEC MAYAN LANGUAGE DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET A PASS ON EVERYTHING ELSE. NOOOPE.

THIS MOVIE IN GENERAL JUST MADE THE MAYANS LOOK LIKE BACKWARD SAVAGES WHEN NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. 

aLSO IT WAS TRYING TO PORTRAY THEM AS JUNGLE TRIBESPEOPLE. 

you know how in modern times Mayan historic sites have been almost covered by jungle? WELL FUN FACT, THEY WEREN'T ALWAYS LIKE THEN WHEN PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIVED THERE. The Mayans practiced slash and burn agriculture so there would definitely be less trees. Now it's not like imperialist christian expansionism either, as they still respected nature instead of thinking nature should be exploited and animals are soulless like christians believe.

Apocalytpo plz stop. Didn't El Vuh rant about this too in one of their raps? nice. Mexica tiahui, son of the sun, native sisters, and 500 tears are their best raps thouuughh.

Also the human sacrifice scene had an Aztec calendar instead of Mayan one.

The point I gave earlier about the language-not-giving-you-a-pass thing brings me to the most cringe-worthy movie I have ever seen. 

The Emperor's New Groove wins for most historically inaccurate movie, but this next movie wins for most CRINGE-WORTHY movie, because the ENG was at least hilarious and cute, this next movie was just shiiit.

Pathfinder

This movie proved that not only can white people never be trusted to direct a movie about indigenous history, they can also never be trusted to direct something about their own history. 

HOW COULD YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE ABOUT THE VIKINGS?

Pathfinder was about the Norse exploration of North America and how the Vikings encountered the Beothuk people. 

I'm not denying that the Norse made it here 500 years before Columbus, I know there's lots of proof of that. You can go to L'anse Aux Meadows in Newfoundland and see the ruins of Leifsbudir for yourself.

First of all the most popular misconception about the Vikings is that they have horned helmets. 

wwttff.

If you want to see exactly all the reasons why Pathfinder was inaccurate AF, you should read my blogpost on the Norse exploration of North America here. 

The Norse crew should've had more female characters! Lets not forget Freydis Ericsdottir, the half sister of Leif Ericson led an entire Vinland voyage! They weren't sexist... like the... you know... CHRiSTiANSss!!!

If anyone is interested in an actual, legit, accurate, GOOD FICTION STORY about the Norse exploration of North America, they should read "Eiriksdottir" by Joan Clark, which looks at it from a Viking perspective, and "The Dream Carvers", which looks at it from a coool Beothuk perspective.

Beothuk>Norsemen 

obviously 

but the Vikings weren't AS bad as PATHFINDER would have you believe. 

Dafuq is this lame shit? nice dragonhead mast on the longship in the background though!

I loooove learning about that particular part of history. It was what got me into the Vikings.

This next movie I'm going to talk about isn't related to indigenous people in any way but it's very famous and I just wanted to debunk some of its historical inaccuracies.

It's called 300! 

• This entire iconic "this is Sparta" scene with the messenger is dumb, because the Persian messengers were actually sent to Athens not Sparta.
• There is no evidence that the shepherd Ephialtes was a scarie nightmarish freak.
• Why TF were the Spartan soldiers half naked? where are the hawt shape-fitting breastplates forged from bronze?
• At least you quoted Herodotus.
• At least you translated "Thermopylae" correctly to mean hot springs.
• At least Leonidas was hawt eh
• Xerxes was also hawt eh
• all the Persiansss were hawt in this movie except for the freak ones
• Who was that Spartan soldier with the long hair? he was hawt too but looked way too Germanic or Anglo to be a Greek!

Now it is time to once more concern ourselves with the matters of the Subcontinent. The movie "Mohenjodaro" was obviously named after the greatest city of the Indus valley civilization. It was around the same time as Mesopotamia. In fact some believe it was an offshoot of the Sumerian civilization, which would make it one of the world's oldest civilizations. They've deciphered cuneiform though. Too bad they HAVEN'T deciphered the mysterious Sindhu script.

The cast of the movie was pretty diverse for a Bollywood movie. They had to get some Middle Eastern people to play the Sumerians. IT WAS THE BEST MOVIE EVER, SRSLY! UNTIL SOMEONE MAKES A GOOOD MOVIE ABOUT INDIGENOUS PEOPLE IT WILL ALWAYS REMAIN THE GR8EST MOVIE.

Here is the trailer:

Scarlet and blue macaws are native to the Americas!

WELL THIS IS EMBARRASSING.

The music of the movie was composed by A. R Rahman, so obviously it is good. 

Welp that's it. 
 watch mohenjodaro!!!

and watch hetalia:paint it white which is my second fave movie!

Aspen, my IRL friend who writes guestposts here, has suggested I watch spirit and brother bear, so i will do that. they are animated with indigenous characters!

My ex was a piece of shit because he likes german girls!

yeah that's it.

Byeeee fam.